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THE TWO-STAGE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

by Lawrence Wilson, MD

Many people feel confused about man-woman relationships. Many would like to get married in a traditional religious or non-religious way, but question many of the requirements for this.

On the other hand, casual “shacking up” often does not work out well. It often ends in bitter separation, fights over money, unwanted children or pregnancies, and it is frowned upon by the general society, in part for good reason.

This article presents a novel solution that I read about in an unusual book some years ago. It is a two-tiered system of contractual relationship that may seem too formal, but please read it through and think about it. I have used it myself and I feel it has been very helpful.

THE BASIC TWO-STAGE MARRIAGE IDEA

The basic concept is that you and your partner will sign a fairly simple legal contract that explains two levels of commitment in your relationship. It sets up a rough timetable and simple rules that both agree to follow. You are doing this to enhance communication, keep each other honest, and set down conscious guidelines to help you evaluate and progress much easier in your relationship. Below is the actual contract, which can be altered a little, but do not change the basic rules if you want it to work correctly.

THE BASIC CONTRACT

1. EXCLUSIVITY AND FIDELITY. Our relationship is exclusive. This means absolutely no other sexual partners. It also means no conscious flirting, no overtures, no experimenting, and limiting all socializing one-on-one with “friends” of the opposite sex. Work-related engagements may be an exception if absolutely required to hold a job, but the same principle applies, and one-on-one opposite sex meetings and engagements must be minimized or avoided for this to work.

Also, all plans, parties, other entertainment and other social engagements that we will do as a couple must be agreed upon by the two of us, again to avoid causing jealousy and danger of damaging our relationship, which must be primary.

This does not mean we cannot have our own friends. But they should be of the same sex or happily married couples. “Friends” of the opposite sex are always a problem in the early stages of any beginning male-female relationship.

Explanation: This section is needed to protect the integrity of our relationship, especially in the beginning when we are perhaps most vulnerable to outside influences.

2. LOVING DESIRE AND INTENT. We agree to help heal and love each other, and nothing else. This means we will never knowingly harm each other in our communication, our sexual life, or any other aspect of our relationship. If harm occurs accidentally, we agree to apologize immediately and to learn not to repeat it. This is a most important habit we both want to learn if we are to be happy together.

Explanation: Our desire and intent must be clear and agreed upon for the best chance of success.

3. COMMUNICATION EXERCISE. We both agree to talk to one another each day for at least half an hour about our life and how the relationship is progressing. We will do this preferably by lying down together in a simple embrace, fully clothed, or sitting comfortably in a simple arm-to-arm embrace. We will not allow any distractions, children, phone calls or anything else to interfere during this half hour or longer communication exercise. It is best done during the day, not just before bed, and not just upon arising.

Each will ask the other or speak about 1) any problems that he or she feels have arisen, and then discuss solutions. We agree to listen carefully, allowing each one to speak freely. Afterwards, we also agree to ask for feedback as to whether each one’s comments and suggestions were acknowledged and understood.

Explanation: We realize that a good quality relationship should automatically involve deep communication, but often this is ignored in today’s fast-paced lives. If too much time or reminders are required to talk about the relationship, then perhaps we are not well-matched. However, this rather large commitment is designed to help us establish good communications skills and habits.

4. LEARNING TO LOVE EACH OTHER PROPERLY. We intend to learn how to love another closely and deeply, without ego and without regret if things do not work out. This may seem obvious, but many relationships just involve two people living together and perhaps raising a family, but not really learning how to love each other deeply. This one takes time and commitment, and it does not always happen automatically. It might require counseling, or more time together, or less time together. It can be difficult if the couple is not too compatible in some way, but it is a worthwhile goal and activity in a marriage or any relationship situation.

It means listening deeply to each other’s needs and desires, learning to be kind and considerate, patient and respectful in all situations, and proceeding from there. It also means to care for another as much or more than you care for yourself. This is one goal of a quality relationship, so that selfishness does not rule the family, which affects the children most of all, and the partners as well. Learning to be unselfish in a relationship is one of the most important lessons any couple can learn. It makes for a very special relationship that can spread good will to the world like no other.

5. PREGNANCY AND CHILDREN. The first-stage of our relationship will produce no children. This means that we agree to always use protection to avoid pregnancy. Also, if the woman becomes pregnant, we agree to a termination of the pregnancy, or possibly an adoption if termination is not morally acceptable.

If, in the rare event, the woman alone chooses to continue the pregnancy and does not desire to put the child up for adoption, then she alone is responsible for the care of the child, and the man is released from all legal obligations to support the woman or the child.

Explanation: This is harsh, but it is to spare the woman, usually, the burden unwanted pregnancy with all the financial and other complications that go with it. This is also to protect the child, so that it does not end up in the middle of a battle, used as a tool used by one partner against the other.

6. TERMINATION OR CHANGE OPTIONS. We agree to try out the relationship for a period of at least one or two months. After that, if the relationship is not working well, either partner may signal that he or she want to terminate the relationship by simply informing the other partner in a loving way.

This is to be done before sexually experimenting with other partners. Sexual experimentation outside of the relationship would tend to terminate the relationship automatically.

Also, if, after at least six months, the relationship is progressing well, then see below for other change options.

Explanation: This section allows us to set a timetable to give our relationship a chance to work out, and a timetable to consider moving our relationship to the second, longer-term level of commitment if all is going well.

7. MOVING TO THE NEXT STAGE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. After at least 6 months of adhering to this contract, we may consider moving to a longer-term marriage contract. It would mean the following:

1. We may produce children.

2. If the woman becomes pregnant and has a child, we agree to remain together at least until the child leaves home and begins life on his or her own. This would include leaving for college or to set up one’s own living space.

The only exception to the commitment to stay together this long would be infidelity, or obvious physical or emotional abuse of some kind. In this case, we might agree to separate sooner for our own safety and that of our children.

3. We might agree to marry by the laws of the nation.

4. This longer-term agreement can also be terminated, according to the laws of the nation or the church.

Explanation: A longer commitment is best if we are to produce children. Children require a longer-term, stable parental relationship. This clause is to protect the child, mainly, from harm that often occurs when a couple divorces earlier in childhood.

Important Warning Note: Getting a marriage license from the government is very different than just having a church wedding with a marriage certificate, or deciding on a common law marriage.

If you marry under the laws of the state or nation and you obtain a marriage license, this makes the government a party to the marriage. This often means you are:

1. Responsible for the debts of your partner, in the event of divorce or death of your partner.

2. Half your assets will go to your partner automatically in some states, if there is a divorce.

3. Worst of all, the government can dictate what happens to your children, especially if you allow your children to have birth certificates from the state. For example, the government can force your child against your will to have cancer chemotherapy and radiation, antibiotics, many other drugs, vaccination, birth control, abortions, or other procedures the state deems best.

Also, Child Protective Services or other agencies can invade your home and take your children away if they feel you are abusive or harming your child in any way, including denying your child medical drugs, vaccines, abortions or something else that you may not believe in.

More and more people believe that marriage is a sacred contract between two people, and perhaps should involve their church, but is not any business of the government. Marriage does not require a government “permission” called the marriage license. The marriage license is a relatively new concept that gives the government much more power over your family.

8. GIVING NOTICE TO OUR FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND OTHERS. We both agree to inform all of our family members, friends and close associates when we sign this agreement, and again, if we terminate or modify this agreement. We also agree to announce this contract on our Facebook, MySpace, or other social networking main pages. We also agree to both wear rings on the fourth finger of our left hands.

Explanation: This is done to prevent confusion, reduce some temptations, and to help us to uphold this contract.

9. HANDLING MONEY. Disputes over money matters are one of the most common causes of relationship problems and divorce. We agree to discuss this matter fully, and to arrive at guidelines that are mutually beneficial so that handling our finances becomes a part of the joy of our relationship, and not an obstacle to it. (Details may be spelled out in this contract, in some cases, or the paragraph above may be sufficient. For example, a couple might decide to share all expenses if both people are working. Some recommend that if one person earns 20% more than the other person, then the one that earns more money pays 20% more than the other toward expenses, for example.)

I do not recommend that couples pool their money at the beginning of a relationship, as in a joint checking account. This is a not a good idea, as sometimes one person is not responsible with money matters. It is better to first wait and see how things go. Even later, many couples prefer to keep assets, or some assets separate. Also, beware that if you marry someone legally, you are often responsible for that person’s debts.

10. DISPOSITION OF ASSETS AND DEBTS. (This only applies if one or both partners has significant assets and/or debts. The couple should discuss how assets and debts will be handled if they come together, and what will occur if they later separate. The latter is often called a Prenuptial Agreement.)

11. LEGALLY BINDING. We agree that this entire contract is legally binding. This means that we both are signing the contract under penalty of perjury, as with all other normal legal contracts. It also means that if one party breaks the contract, he or she is liable for the consequences.

Today those consequences could be severe, such as paying to raise a child or paying for the effects of a sexually transmitted disease that could cause a legal suit due to infertility or other complications.

Explanation: by obligating ourselves legally, we help fix in our minds the importance of this contract and of our relationship.

12. COMPLETE CONTRACT. This agreement constitutes the entire contract between us.

Explanation: We want everything of importance in writing to avoid confusion, miscommunication and other problems.

13. INTEGRITY AGREEMENT. Should my partner and I become embroiled in a legal dispute, we both agree to first seek a mediator whom we both agree to, to resolve our problem. If this does not work, we agree to then seek out an arbitrator to solve our problem. We both agree not to involve lawyers in our problem unless both mediation and arbitration fail to solve our problem.

Explanation: Sometimes unforeseen problems arise in relationships that become costly and bitter. This can help avoid such problems.

14. CONFIDENTIALITY. We both agree that all matters relating to our relationship shall remain confidential, unless we both agree otherwise. If , however, we agree upon counseling, for example, then we agree to open up and share our deepest secrets and fears to that we may possibly save our relationship if we are having a problem we cannot resolve.

Explanation: This is to protect the integrity of our relationship from busybody family members, friends and others who, under the guise of friendship or helping one of us, would destroy our relationship.

Dated ________________

Her signature _____________________

His Signature _____________________

Witness (optional) ________________________

(Both parties must sign and date the contract. I am not sure that other witnesses are needed, and I do not believe the signing needs to be notarized or otherwise verified.)

Adding to the contract. You may add more to this basic contract, if desired. However, keep things as simple as possible. Here are some examples of sections that you may have to add to handle your situation:

1. If your partner has children by another marriage, you must have an item about who will be in charge of discipline, how the child’s expenses will be paid, visiting rights of former mates, and so on.

2. Pets. Who will care for them, pay for their expenses, decide when to get rid of them or whether to have puppies, etc.

3. Homes and other real estate. If both people have houses, which will be sold, how the money will be divided, if it is, and so on.

4. Diet and lifestyle. You may wish to say how you want to live, when you want to go to bed, and how you wish to eat and raise children such as home schooling, religious education, or public education, and type of discipline.

5. Religious and spiritual aspects. How do you wish to handle these together as part of your marriage. Will you join a specific church, pray together every day, meditate together or apart, etc.

6. Shopping, especially for large purchases like cars, houses, electronics and other things. How will you decide what to buy, and what if one person makes a large purchase without consulting the other.

7. Handling difficult relatives. How often will you visit, or will they be permitted to visit, for how long, and how will they be handled in other regards such as finances, time on the phone, etc.

8. Vacations, other travel, and visits to and from friends. Questions that arise are how often, how much to spend on them, where to go, and what to do.

9. Healing methods you wish to use or want to avoid. This can easily break up a relationship and is worth discussing and perhaps writing down together. It includes use of drugs, elective surgeries, home birth versus hospital birth, insurance options. This may depend on the situation, but it is good to discuss and write down preferences.

10. Birth control methods, and frequency of sexual intercourse. This is important for some people, so ask your partner and discuss it clearly.

11. Recreational alcohol and drug use.

12. Television use, especially if children are or will be involved.

13. Loud music, parties, or other gatherings at the house. How often, what kind, who will be invited, etc.

14. Please put in this agreement any other issue you may think is important to you and worth discussing with your prospective partner.

WHAT IF MY PARTNER DOES NOT WANT TO SIGN THIS AGREEMENT?

Some will say that a signed legal contract is not needed, and that it just embarrasses the people. They will say it means you don’t trust the other person, in which case you should not enter into a relationship. I completely disagree and I hope you do, too. Relationships should be taken seriously and setting down in writing in a legal contract what we agree to is helpful for a mature couple, helps keep people honest, and helps communication and your future together.

If there is a specific point of disagreement, it must be discussed and resolved. If your partner opposes the entire idea of this contract, then it is likely he or she just wants a casual relationship. This is not healthful for anyone. The reasons for this contract are discussed below.

ADVANTAGES OF THE TWO-STEP RELATIONSHIP PROCESS AND CONTRACT

1. Enhances communication skills. Stop projection.

2. Keeps the parties more honest, hopefully, by setting things down in writing.

3. Sets up good habits for the relationships.

4. It may prevent getting stuck in a poor quality relationship that often leads to depression and disease.

5. Helps the partners think about the future in a clear, non-emotional and logical way.

Other reasons are:

1. Both partners are treated with dignity and respect, and their rights honored.

2. It may help prevent unwanted pregnancies, dead beat dads, unhappy single mothers, and often poverty that is connected with unwed mothers.

3. Helps create and preserve monogamous a relationship. This is very important to prevent jealousy, sexually transmitted diseases and emotional turmoil that occurs today in some “open marriages”. The latter often does not work well and is sadly advocated or at least tolerated by many “liberals”.

4. Helping to sanctify or formalize a relationship. By using a signed contract, the relationship is converted from just a “casual partnership” or “shacking up” to a more structured situation. This is helpful for most people. It is not for very immature people, but the neither is a mature relationship of any kind.

Since the laws of most nations or states do not recognize this situation, although they recognize what is called a “civil union”, this is helpful for those who are not ready for or not too interested in immediately entering into a state-sanctioned marriage.
It is more of an internal, mutually-agreed upon agreement that is meant to be enforced mainly by honor, integrity, and perhaps to some extent shame and peer pressure. This is a traditional method of enforcing contracts.

5. A reasonable timetable. The two-stage marriage system sets up a flexible and realistic timetable for evaluating and working with a relationship. By announcing to their family and friends that the couple will review the contract in up to two years, it gives them a set date to think about whether to continue the relationship in its present form or to change it. It may end, continue as is or become a deeper relationship.

6. It presents choices of levels of commitment. These options are important to decide if one wants less or no commitment, in which case get out of the relationship, or needs more time or wants more commitment. This is important for human beings, as commitment is helpful for spiritual development in all areas.

7. There is no stigma for breaking up. This is important because so many women, in particular, feel extremely guilty when their marriages “fail” or break up for some reason. They do not realize often that: 1) it may not be their fault at all, 2) it is necessary, at times, to move on, and 3) it may be very positive for both parties. Blaming oneself or one’s partner for a relationship breakup may be like blaming a male pig because it doesn’t want to mate with a female lion. That is how different some men and women are, with no exaggeration. So it is important that two people be given a chance to work together in a relationship without significant and often costly legal, emotional or other consequences.

8. Clear consequences and steps to follow. Another advantage of this idea is the possible outcomes in terms of pregnancy, especially, are clear and known in advance. This is a legal safeguard, so to speak.
Also, in the event that a partner who has signed the contract does not live up to the its terms, the consequences or steps to follow are much clearer than if there were no contract at all.
Once again, this is often more important for the woman, who can be left impoverished, with a child and no child support, or other unfortunate situations.

9. Gives couples a faster and better chance to actually see and know the real situation with another person. This is important because when a couple just dates, it is easy to withhold vital information, and so moving in together will tend to speed up the process of learning the truth about another person.

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