DEEP LOVING RELATIONSHIPS -1
by Dr. Lawrence Wilson
© September 2016, L.D. Wilson Consultants, Inc.
All information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment, prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
Many people are seeking a satisfying and deep personal relationship with a person of the opposite sex. This article may help by discussing a way of relating that has been known for thousands of years, but is not discussed as much today. I will use the words deep loving relationship to describe this type of healthy relationship between a man and a woman.
Definition. A deep loving relationship is one in which there is blending of not only the bodies, but also of the subtle energy fields of the two partners.
This type of relationship is actually common, especially among Christian and Jewish families. However, today many couples do not have this type of relationship. This often causes depression, disease and divorce.
Marriage helpful. Often the partners are married because marriage signifies a blending of souls and bodies. It is not just two roommates, or companions, or friends who eat and sleep together, or live in a home together.
Man and woman. The type of relationship discussed here requires a man and a woman. This is because special blending occurs between their energy fields that will not occur between two men or two women.
Outcome. Healing of the bodies occurs more easily when one is in this kind of relationship. The partners are more relaxed, and they tend to live longer.
ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF DEEP LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
1. Monogamous and committed. This means that the relationship is always exclusive of others, and it is intended to be of long duration. An exclusive, monogamous relationship is best because it usually causes the best energetic blending, and is safest. That is, it helps prevent jealousy, sexually-transmitted diseases and other problems. A long-term relationship or committed relationship is best simply because the blending process takes some time.
2. Between a man and a woman. This has to do with physics, and the construction of human beings at deep levels.
3. Based upon love, trust and mutual shared values. These must be the solid basis for the relationship. Other qualities that are almost essential for good blending include some sense of humor, similar interests to some degree at least, good communication skills, and a strong desire to work out conflicts and problems together. This requires a certain degree or level of maturity.
The basis of the relationship cannot just be to have regular sex, to make babies, business reasons, safety, security, someone to go out with, or other things that are common reasons for man-woman relationships. Only with deep trust, communication, and perhaps more will the proper energetic blending occur.
The trust manifests itself in a type of harmony between the partners that is free of most jealousy, most anger and most other types of arguing and disharmony. Another way to say this is the couple must functions as one organism or unit most of the time for the proper energetic blending to occur.
4. Good sense of openness and communication. The couple must be open to touch, talk, hugging and more. They must also learn to communicate at deep levels, at least most of the time.
In many relationships, communication is often superficial, and often not even honest. It is more like banter between two mates. However, in a deep loving relationship, communication is seen as part of the essence of relationship. The relationship becomes, in part, a practice opportunity to learn how to communicate clearly, lovingly and deeply without hurting another. Energetic blending is a metaphor for this, and is a very deep form of communication between two bodies in space and time.
5. The goal, at some level, is the relationship itself. This may seem strange, but I think it is important. In other words, the relationship is not about two people living together or having a family. The relationship takes on a life of its own, and the two live to a degree for the relationship. I hope this is clear. It is relationship for its own sake, an interesting concept.
This is actually a precursor or practice for blending with all of humanity, although it may not look like it. One learns in such a relationship how to live with one other person, and the lessons can then be generalized to living in a community, in a nation, and finally in one world of connected souls who all care deeply for each other and for themselves as well.
ENERGETIC ASPECTS OF DEEP LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
Deep loving relationships cause interesting changes in the aura field or energy field of both partners. Essentially, the aura or energy fields of the two people blend to significant degree. This continues to deepen as long as the relationship lasts, improving the relationship with time.
While some blending occurs in all human encounters, especially sexual ones, it happens far more in deep loving relationships. This might be called the hallmark of a deep relationship between a man and a woman.
Blending occurs for several reasons that are quite involved. However, there is a deep attraction between male and female bodies that extends to the etheric bodies, and to the souls of the two people. Under the proper conditions, the etheric bodies combine to form a third person or body that grows as the relationship hopefully deepens each day. This is a complex subject, but I have discussed the basic idea of it. Literally, a third “person” begins to emerge from the relationship.
FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER – WHAT TO LOOK FOR
This is not always easy, and some people are naturally better at it than others. Here are some rough guidelines as to what to look for:
1. A mental attribute – the desire for a deep loving relationship. Many people are very nice, but they are not ready for, or mature enough for a deep loving relationship. This is not a judgment. Some can grow into it, but many people just do not want it and prefer a more superficial relationship. Also, many people just do not understand the concept. This is the reason I am writing this article.
In fact, you may be surprised what people say and believe about man-woman relationships. They often base their answers on television and movie depictions of relationships that are quite dysfunctional, co-dependent and unhealthful.
If someone says that the main purpose of a man-woman relationship, for example, is someone to sleep with, or eat dinner with, or someone to talk to, this is not enough. Many people are just inexperienced, of course, so they do not know exactly what they are looking for. Also, more and more people are looking for a deep loving relationship, even if they call it something different. Please be discerning and please watch more what a person does, even more than what he or she says.
2. Another mental and emotional attribute – a shared understanding about life and goals for the future. Your partner must want similar things from life as you do. He or she must enjoy, more or less, what you enjoy, and must dislike, more or less, that which you also dislike. It is an important area of compatibility in relationships.
This is a practical matter, as you will be spending a lot of time, hopefully, with this person. However, it goes deeper than this. If your partner has different political, social, child-rearing, and/or religious likes and dislikes - even food preferences, perhaps - then blending will be more difficult because you will be pulled in different directions.
Try to learn the truth about your prospective partner’s goals, affinities, likes and dislikes, as it can make a real difference in the success of any relationship. Know that some people will hide their real beliefs in order to cement the relationship, so listen between a person’s words, and always watch their actions with you and with others to discern how they really feel, not what they say they believe and feel.
Millions of people get married and are surprised to learn about their partner’s real lives, goals, prejudices and so on. Most of the time, people give plenty of clues about these things if you pay attention. This is one reason to wait before jumping into bed with anyone, and to wait before jumping into a marriage or committed relationship with anyone. Give the courtship at least six months at the very least, and preferably a year or two.
You must also ask a lot of potentially embarrassing questions of a prospective mate or partner. Do not hold back in this area, and try to see that it is much better to find out now about problems than to hope and wish that problems would go away later. This is a reason to go for counseling before marriage, to bring up such issues, although a good communicating couple can certainly do it themselves without a counselor. Try to think through these things to avoid surprises later. There will be enough surprises in any relationship and you want them to be mainly good ones.
These questions include what are your attitudes, preferences and biases about sex, how to you feel about children, having children, adopting children, raising children, how strict should one be, why have children at all, and why not skip children altogether. Many other questions should deal with a person’s attitudes about money, saving it, spending it, vacations, investments, joint bank accounts, pre-nuptual agreements, loaning money to others, and more. Another area is work and study. Do you like work, do you like to just stay home or do you like working outside the home, do you like long work hours, or do you prefer to rest or vacation, or play golf or something else. Another area has to do with religion. Is this important, and what does it mean? Does the person have a religious system or concept that he or she lives by? What does the person think of other religions, or people who are different from him or her? How does this translate into one’s spiritual life and how much time and energy will this take or should it take? These are just a few of the many important topics a couple should discuss before marriage, not after.
3. A mental and emotional attribute – mutual respect and appreciation. Your partner should absolutely respect you. Do not go out with anyone who puts you down, subtly or overtly. This should be a hard and fast rule. However, it can happen accidentally If it does, let your date know at once, preferably, or later if that is when you realize it. The person should apologize at once. If he or she does not, then either there is a communication problem, or something else is not quite right between you. Let us discuss this.
First, never ever go out with someone with whom you do not feel safe. Men, never grab or hold a woman too tightly, as this does not feel safe. Women, never make references to stupid ass men whom you feel like murdering, for example. This will make any man feel unsafe.
Secondly, never go out with anyone who threatens you in any way. This is just a veiled form of violence or force. Statements like “If you love me, you will do this or that”. This is a threat and a taunt. A better statement is that “if you truly love me, I believe you would do this or that”. But even that can be a subtle threat or taunt. Also, watch out for men or women who “dare you” to do this or that, or say this or that. This is not proper in a mature relationship, either.
Also, be very careful with someone who agrees with everything you say and do. This is often just manipulation. Men are excellent at this technique, often used to get the woman in bed. Anything she says, wants, or wishes for, he agrees with. The misled woman believes she has found her perfect partner and gives of her self, often, as a result, much too soon. One day she wakes up to the total lie that she has been fed, and may become jaded and bitter about men and relationships afterwards. It is even worse if they have sex and she gets an infection from it, especially one that lasts a lifetime, which today is most of them.
So anyone who agrees with you too much is a huge red flag. Honest people disagree at times, and perhaps a lot, at first! Hopefully, you can figure out why and make corrections so you are in agreement most of the time, but at first there should be some degree of differences and perhaps some misunderstanding. Expect this and be suspicious if everything seems perfect.
Mutual appreciation goes beyond respect. However, once again, be extremely careful with anyone who fawns over you and keeps telling you just how wonderful you are. We all have faults and another person should be aware of these as well. If he or she is not, then they will be in the future, and this will threaten the relationship. Without airing your dirty laundry, as they say, be sure that any prospective partner knows both your salient aspects and your weak ones.
This issue is more of a problem with professionals, who are used to being admired and highly respected. They often fall for their “fans” and cannot handle someone who just treats them like a normal human being.
4. A spiritual quality – mutual understanding of why get into a relationship and what counts most. This is an appreciation of a different kind. This has to do with what each partner can give the other at an energetic level. Here is a brief explanation of the idea.
What men should bring to and give to women. Ladies, your husband should make you feel very safe and steady at an emotional and psychological level. This is the main quality. If it is not happening, or if you feel your man is hanging on or clinging to you too much, or is weak, or is too unsure of himself, this quality is missing. It does not mean the quality cannot develop, but it is not present and that is not helpful.
This is subtle, however. Many men who seem to make a woman feel safe and secure, are just putting on an act. It is an illusion or an appearance only. Underneath, they have little depth or strength.
Meanwhile, someone who seems weak, retiring or unsteady in their thinking and actions, may just be cautious and move slower. He or she may rise to the occasion in a crisis or emergency, and this is the type of person you want. So watch out for this trap or illusion. In fact, the slower, more cautious and usually less physically and sexually oriented men are far better in the long run.
Figuring out this aspect of a relationship can be difficult or impossible until you find yourselves together in a difficult, embarrassing or scary situation. This is an important reason to have a longer courtship or dating period without sex, preferably. It provides time to expose you both as a couple to different situations that effectively “test” the relationship and the partners. There is no substitute for this, I believe.
What women should bring to and give to men. This is much more subtle, at first, although it is really not that difficult. A woman must want to be with you first, gentlemen. This is the primary rule or principle. It means that the woman wants the man to be her primary support, friend and advocate – not her sister, her brother, her father, or anyone else.
At least in most man-woman relationships today, the man is more grounded than the woman. The woman must be attracted to this quality to assist her to be grounded. It can work the other way around, but this is less common.
This means that a big red flag for a man is when his date is more interested in talking about her girlfriends, for example, or her mother, her father, her brothers or sisters, perhaps, or even her children, if she has children by another marriage. She must want to be grounded by you, her man. A man will know if this is the case, in most instances, although the woman could “fake it” for a while to hook the man. (Note, this is not as true the other way around. A man may be a little closer to his family of origin, in most cases, than the woman is. This has to do with man’s and woman’s energetics, in most cases, though not all)
The rationale for this can also be expressed as that a woman should join herself spiritually to a man, and not the other way around, primarily. Man joins to woman sexually, but spiritually, woman joins to man. This will anger some people, I know. Men should have a certain peace and love about them that a woman just wants to be around. So if your prospective mate does not feel this about you, it may be best to find someone else.
Stupid women and men do not pay attention to this and, instead, seek out the best sexual partner, the man with the most money, or the best looking one, perhaps, or one with a beautiful car or house. Women should look for a man they can relax with and be safe with. Men should look for a woman who seriously wants to blend with his energy. This usually works best.
5. Another mental attribute – mutual enjoyment and relaxation. Your mate should enjoy being with you, and must at least basically like your “style” and your life. At first, this may not be the case, but it needs to grow with time.
This is a huge secret of key to a successful relationship. It is not enough that another thinks you are cute, funny, smart, or something like this. Also, good sex cannot be the main focus because that does not take up enough time in the day. Your partner must also truly enjoy spending time with you. As mentioned above, this should grow with time as you get to know one another. If you notice that the mutual enjoyment is fading, then it may be time to end the relationship, even if the other person insists he or she still likes you or even loves you.
One can often tell if a partner or date really enjoys you, or just wants someone to be with. To find out, relax, and do not force or push the relationship in any way. Then observe how your prospective spouse behaves and feels around you, as opposed to how he or she feels and acts around others. Your partner should relax, and be at peace and in joy around you. However, if your mate perks up when others come around, but is more sullen, tense or angry around you, this is not a good sign. Without a deep appreciation for you, the energetic blending we are seeking is not likely to occur easily, if it occurs at all.
This is a subtle topic. Many people are looking for a loving relationship. However, this is not enough. Two people must be compatible at many levels. Possibilities are that two “hit if off” very early and never separate. Often, however, they tire of one another. This is because one’s first impressions are often based on memories and fantasies. When the glamour or aura of newness wears off, one realizes that this person is not who you thought he or she was. Also, it takes a while to learn about another person. Some sensitive people can pick up the energy of another quickly, but in romantic situations, this is often obscured or ignored.
Therefore, it is best not to judge too much by first impressions. Indeed, if a new relationship feels a bit uncomfortable or unusual, it may be because this is your future spouse, bringing new experiences and a new life to you. Also, it is possible the other is just nervous. So if a new person seems a little unusual, but not dangerous in any way, it may be best to continue dating, allowing the relationship to “play out”, as it were, to see where it leads you both.
This is a very wise approach, in fact, with man-woman relationships because too often we pick people who are just like our mother, father, sister, brother or someone else we know, and this is not really best. The one who seems a little strange or unusual may be that way because he or she is for you, and is not just a projection or rehash of an old family relationship or some other old friendship that you had in the past.
Qualities or factors that matter less.
1. Height, weight and age. While it is nice to find someone who is close to your own height, weight and age, this is not important. Age differences often stop good relationships, so do not judge others by their age alone.
Success is much more about equal levels of maturity, common interests, and shared goals and values.
2. Experience with relationships. This is also not that important if the factors above match up.
3. Superficial characteristics such as looks, ethnicity and even religious affiliation. These are also less important than true compatibility, desire and mutual appreciation.
AN EXERCISE FOR WOMEN THAT CAN HELP WITH ALL MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
The following is a mental practice called “learning to climb”. Here is the procedure:
1. You will mentally pretend that you are climbing onto a man’s penis. This is done mentally only, so it is totally clean and safe.
2. Close your eyes and get a mental picture of any man in your life. You don’t have to know what the man’s penis looks like. Just follow the instructions. For young women, using your father’s penis is easiest. For married women, use your husband only. For others, use a friend, brother, cousin, parent or others.
3. Pretend the man is lying on his back, with his penis sticking upward. It does not need to be erect, though it may be easier to imagine it this way.
4. Pretend that you straddle the man, facing him front to front.
5. Pretend that your vagina has teeth or fingers like a hand. The vagina opens a little and the lips of it grasp the sides of the penis. It is as though you are grasping it in your fingers, or clenching it in your teeth.
At first, this will be difficult. After enough practice, it becomes easy and simple. You will just “take a bite” and his penis will be there.
6. Now make your grip tighter and deeper.
7. Now move energy from the man’s penis into your body, and up your back – never up the front of your body. Move it all the way from the butt up to the head. Then move the energy down the front of your body and out again to the man.
8. Practice this every day for one hour, for at least one month. This may seem like a lot, but it goes quickly. You may lie down when practicing, such as when you wake up in the morning or before bedtime. This much practice is necessary for at least one month to perfect the exercise.
9. This is all there is to the exercise. Do not add anything to it, or it may ruin it.
Effects of this exercise. The many beneficial effects of this rather unique exercise are:
1. You will often feel and look better from this exercise. You are, in fact, gaining a certain energy from your mental contact with a man in this way, although there is no physical contact.
2. If you are in a committed relationship, this exercise will enhance your love-making. It can assist you to blend with a man properly and lovingly. It can also help you handle a rough man, as you will not orgasm as easily, and it can help you stay in control of your body in the love-making situation.
3. If you are raped, knowing this exercise can help reduce orgasms somewhat, to help you stay in control.
4. You are learning basic body control, which is excellent.
5. This exercise will feel quite loving if you do not have a relationship. It is an active, mental method of relating sexually to a man that is totally safe, without fear of pregnancy, disease, humiliation, or other problems. Also, you can do the exercise any time and any place, no matter how far away your man is. For example, if you are very careful and the road is not crowded, you can do the exercise even while driving.
6. If you desire to meet a man for a relationship, this exercise, done properly, will make you more attractive and sexy. Be careful with this, but know that connecting this way to a man you are interested in, and then sending energy outward from your chest using this technique, will feel very pleasant to the man. However, this could be used as a form of manipulation that could backfire if you are not sincere or if the man is not best for you. For this reason, in most situations, it is best to connect to a man you know well, such as a husband, brother, father or friend.
Cautions and notes regarding the exercise.
1. As stated earlier, never move energy from the penis up the front of the body. Always move it up the back of your body, along the spine. Moving it up the front of your body is dangerous for you, and the man may even feel it as unpleasant.
2. The exercise can feel quite sexy for some men, so be careful with it and never abuse it.
3. You may be forced to face your fears or anger about men. The exercise is healing, and makes you more yang in Chinese medical terminology. This means, however, that you will be forced to face some issues, perhaps. Do not avoid this, please. For example, if you hate your father, then if you do the exercise with your father, your irrational feelings will surface. I suggest a) face the feelings and do not run away from them, b) overcome the feelings by letting them come forth, and c) most important, learn to forgive your father in all cases, no matter what he did or did not do to you.
4. Holding all the energy inside will stop the exercise. This exercise demonstrates a deep principle of men and women. Men must give their essence to women, and women must then return it with love. This is what you are learning with this exercise. In this exercise, you are “borrowing” a little energy from a man, which you take inside of you and then “radiate” outward from your body. Please understand this well.
5. Most men will like that you are doing this exercise with them mentally. Don’t tell your man if you are not sure. However, most men will like the feeling because most men want a woman to take from them and then give back with love. This is an essence of a happy relationship between a man and a woman. It has nothing to do with sex, by the way, and it is just fine to do this with a brother, a cousin, a friend or anyone at all.
This is an exercise to be done during sexual intercourse. It will enhance any relationship if the man can do it. It is not quite as much “fun” for the man, but is helpful for both the man and the woman. Down sex is discussed a little in the article, Downward Moving Energy and Healing on this website.
SHOULD YOU LIVE TOGETHER FIRST BEFORE MARRYING, AND IS MARRIAGE ALWAYS BEST?
Let us imagine that you have found someone with whom you believe you could have a deep loving relationship. Some people want to rush into marriage, while others are terrified of this, or do not want this level of commitment at first. This is a dilemma for some people.
A longer courtship better.
COMPUTER AND OTHER DATING SERVICES
To find a suitable partner, I recommend the use of online and computer dating services. This may sound odd, but I feel this gives one much more opportunity to screen thousands of eligible prospective partners quickly, safely, inexpensively and more effectively. The purpose of this article is to help you decide what to look for and what to request of these services.
KEEPING A RELATIONSHIP GOING
Once you find a compatible partner, different skills may be required, to some degree, to keep the relationship happy and help make it deepen and grow. Many people lose wonderful relationships and do not understand why. Here is a short list of items that are required to maintain a relationship between a man and a woman, or at least to assure the best chance of having your relationship continue and deepen.
1. Be faithful sexually. Relationships between men and women will not work if one or the other person cheats sexually. This should be obvious, but unfortunately this is not known by some people.
No excuses will suffice. If one person cheats, the relationship always suffers greatly. If the other person never finds out, it is one thing. But often the other will suspect it, and this alone is the problem in some cases. Stay faithful.
Cheating sexually does not just mean having intercourse with someone other than your partner. It also means flirting, sexual innuendo with strangers or anyone dressing inappropriately, ladies in particular, or any hint of infidelity. This might even include implying that another is more desirable that your partner, for example, for any reason at all. Such comments or behaviors are very hurtful to a loving sexual relationship in a marriage context. So please be very careful of this and do not listen to most counselors, movies, TV shows and the like that treat this aspect of a marriage lightly.
Of course, it is possible that a spouse will forgive a sexual indiscretion or flirting behavior, but it definitely weakens the marriage in every case and can stop energetic blending easily.
Women need to know that dressing up sexy is not usually in the interest of a marriage, at all. It may be okay when you are single, though it is not usually that safe. However, once you are married, the homelier you look, the better, in general. Save the sexy gown for your husband only, in the privacy of your bedroom only. In public, tone it down so as not to attract undo attention that can tempt you, the lady, or that may anger your man.
I know there are men who insist their wives dress up sexy and cannot wait to show off their prize, as some call their lady. However, I would avoid any such man. This is not healthy.
2. Discuss sexuality, intimacy and other aspects of the relationship freely and openly. Do not assume your partner understands your needs, wants, fears and desires in the sexual area, in particular, or others, for that matter. If you are not satisfied, express what you would like gently, so you can hopefully come to some mutual agreement or compromise if needed.
For example, one spouse might really want cuddling and kissing, while the other might really want more sexual intercourse. This needs to be worked out, or unhappiness will ensue and neither party will understand why they are not feeling loved or appreciated.
3. Always be polite, and totally considerate, respectful and courteous. This may sound obvious, but it is not for many people. Many people project their problems from childhood and the past onto their partner. Remember that your mate is not your mother or father, or that brother or sister who beat you up when you were a young child.
Always say please and thank you, express appreciation and gratitude, give hugs and kisses when appropriate, and respect the feelings and wishes of the other person just as you would with anyone else you care about deeply. Too many couples start to take the other person for granted, and this often can ruin the best relationship.
Also, if you speak improperly or make any error, learn to apologize for it sincerely, deeply, and immediately to your partner. This cannot be overemphasized. Most of us will speak or act inappropriately once in a while. Do not brush off your indiscretions as just simple errors or mistakes. This makes it seem as if you don’t care, even if you do. So get in the habit of apologizing sincerely and quickly. If your partner asks for an apology, give one sincerely and do it immediately. This means you hurt the other’s feelings, or perhaps your partner is still upset for some other reason and needs you to clean up your mistake or sloppy words.
If harsh words or gestures are exchanged often, usually a relationship is in trouble. If you are the one who is not being courteous all the time, look for something deeper that is bothering you, but also stop yourself from acting rude, uncaring or just too relaxed in this area or you may find your relationship will end soon.
If your partner not respecting you and not acting courteous and considerate, also look for deeper issues that may be upsetting him or her. However, it is not a good sign and it is definitely worth pointing out to your partner how you think you are being treated. In this and other areas, never exaggerate and judge the other. Just explain what you are feeling and seeing and do it calmly. The fault could be with either partner, so take the attitude that you just want to explore this more. It could just a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up, but sometimes it goes much deeper and is a problem with the relationship.
3. Be honest in all your dealing with your partner and with others. Tell the truth and do not lie or exaggerate to your partner. Lying is one of the fastest ways to destroy trust in any relationship. Lying is poor quality communication at its worst. Lying is always an effort to deceive another and this destroys trust and love. Some people are used to it in their partners, so they allow others to get away with it, but it is never healthy, ever.
Also, do not lie or exaggerate with others besides your spouse. If you lie to someone else, your partner will wonder if you are also lying to him or her, so be careful with this. If you feel you must tell someone a “white lie”, discuss the problem with your partner. Perhaps together you can find a better solution to the awkward situation or problem besides having to lie. If you must lie to someone else, make sure your partner understands and agrees to it, so there is no confusion about it. However, please do not conspire with a partner to lie to people. That is not the idea. Lying is always “a slippery slope” and is very rarely needed.
Lying also usually does not work because living with another often makes it too easy to find out the truth. Stay perfectly honest and in integrity if you want your relationship to work out.
Having said this, if you suspect your mate or partner is having an affair, for example, there is no harm in tricking the person into admitting it, for example, or secretly hiring a detective to get to the truth. In other words, if a spouse or partner is not being honest with you and is trying to deceive you, you may need to take steps that require some deception as well so that you are not taken advantage of further. However, even here be careful that you do not seek revenge. That is not what I mean. It is only to do what you must do in self-defense, and only if there is trouble.
4. Communicate. A relationship requires that two people communicate. Otherwise, it is not much of a relationship. Unfortunately, communication is a skill that most people must learn and practice. The simplest technique is to ask often for feedback. “Is this what you mean?”, “Do I hear you saying…?” and so on.
Strictly avoid communication styles that are hurtful. These include raising the volume of your voice, yelling, swearing, using strong or rough language, sarcasm, physical threats or threatening gestures, or judging the other without careful thought and consideration. This stops all communication and is one of the fastest ways to destroy an otherwise excellent relationship.
Some people feel they can get away with sloppy communication, even just for “fun” or effect. Do not do it. If your family or origin behaves in a rough, crude or vulgar way, so be it. Do not do this in your male-female relationship if you wish for it to continue.
If you are angry or upset, it is far better to walk away and fume on your own than to just “vent” on another person. A wise, strong person stays calm almost all, if not all the time. If you cannot stay calm in discussing an issue, then you need to learn how to communicate better, or perhaps the relationship is not working out because you differ from the other person in significant ways such as your core values and beliefs.
Another of the most frustrating things in a relationship is if your mate will not open up and tell you what is on his or her mind. Giving your mate “the silent treatment” is often fatal for relationships. So learn how to open up, and how speak freely, hopefully without insulting your mate. Get things off your chest in a kind manner. If you have something to share that is not pleasant, it is better said now than kept inside and only shared later in a fit of rage. But learn how to do it gently, very gently, indeed. Read Non-Violent Communication on this site for more on this vital topic.
5. Stay clean. Relationships fail, at times, because no one wants to live with a slob. This sounds harsh, but it quickly “gets old” to have to clean up after another adult. It is bad enough to have to clean up after a child, but having to clean up after your partner is in the kitchen, the bathroom, or anywhere else can be another relationship killer.
A good idea is to agree upon some rules for the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom, hanging up clothes, taking out the garbage, cleaning the house, and so on. Then be sure you stick to them. If they are not working, renegotiate the rules as often as needed until an agreement can be reached that works for both parties. Some people are neater than others, and some are compulsive about it, so working out the details is often needed.
If a mate or partner is habitually sloppy and not following the rules he or she agreed to, it is probably time to end the relationship. It usually means the person does not care enough about you, or about the relationship, and often the other person has other things on his or her mind and is not “present” in the home.
6. Live healthfully. Few people really want to live with someone who is does not want to care for the body correctly. So be sure to eat correctly, go to bed early, get enough rest, and dress warmly and appropriately at all times. Stay away from all alcohol and all drugs.
This is obvious for some people, but not for many others. Many believe that some alcohol is relaxing, and a little marijuana is okay. It is not in most deep loving relationships.
Also, stay away from all long-term prescription or over-the-counter medications, if at all possible. Read this website how to do this. All medical drugs, bar none, are toxic to the brain and nervous system, not to mention the body. They alter the mind. Too many people are listening to their silly doctors and taking powerful medications that weaken them or alter their mind. As a result, after a few weeks or months of taking them, the mind and personality begins to change for the worse. One can literally become a bit foggy-brained, more irritable, more angry or something else. This tends to weaken any relationship because it weakens the person in a subtle way, or perhaps an obvious one. This is a very common and serious problem for many relationships today due to the widespread prescribing of medical drugs and the willingness of too many people to take prescribed medications without questioning the need for them, especially longer-term.
Simple caring for the body is essential for a happy relationship. If you are not sure how to stay healthy, this website can help.
7. Think and live as though you are in a relationship, and not as though you are living on your own. Maintaining any relationship – a personal, business, family or other type - requires and demands at least some tolerance, flexibility, and maturity. This is quite essential.
If you don’t want to think of the other person all of the time in your thoughts, words and deeds, you should not be in the relationship, and it is not likely to last too long.
Unfortunately, some people believe they are still single, and can make decisions that affect their mate without asking permission or agreeing upon them. This is selfish and it will not work. Everyone has slightly differing needs and views, so do not take your partner for granted, and always consider the other in all decisions that affect you as a couple. In fact, in a deep loving relationship, ideally you must think of the needs and wants of the other person, just as if they are your own.
In practice, this means always check with your partner before turning on or off the television set, or the music. Do not turn on or off lights if it will disturb the other. Before spending money, especially if it is shared money but even if it is yours alone, check with your partner. Do not bring home friends without asking permission. Do not bring home new pets, for example, without asking permission and agreeing mutually to it. Definitely do not make plans that involve the two of you, or even just you, without discussing them together in a relaxed way. These are just a few simple examples of how to live in a relationship.
If there are issues you cannot agree upon such as when to go to bed together, when to play music, which friends should be allowed in the house, where to go on vacations, or others, then either the relationship is not working, or perhaps each person needs a little more space, literally, and then the relationship can work. However, ideally a couple wants most of the same things in life and both are willing to compromise concerning their differences.
8. If you can, find a third party in the relationship who can give both of you feedback on how things are going. This may sound odd, but it works. A good rule is that a stable relationship requires a third party in the relationship.
This is someone who is “neutral” and wants to help the couple get along as best they can. It could be a parent, a grandparent, a friend, or a professional such as a local pastor at your church or a professional counselor. This person acts as a referee and coaches the couple, at times. This can be extremely helpful for any deep loving relationship.
It is not the same as calling your sister, mother or best friend to “discuss your relationship”. No. The third party I am speaking about must know both partners well, and must never ‘take sides’ in the relationship or just listen to one side of a story. Instead, this person must work with both partners and must be there only to help discern the truth in order to assist the partners make the relationship work better. The third party must also be psychologically mature and emotionally healthy.
Many times, one or the other partner will have friends, family members or even just acquaintances who may say they approve of the relationship, but in reality, they subtly destroy it. This is unfortunate, and every couple must guard against this common occurrence.
This article is meant as an introduction to the fascinating subject of deep loving male-female relationships in which a specific type of energetic blending occurs and results in a very solid and very fulfilling marriage. I will extend this article, so stay tuned.