A MARRIAGE OF FRIENDS
by Dr. Lawrence Wilson
© August 2017, LD Wilson Consultants, Inc.
Normally, one thinks of marriage as an arrangement for people who want to be together for a number of reasons. One of them is to have sex frequently and fairly safely.
However, some people wish to be married, but are not interested in sex at all, or only want down hugging, massage or something else other than sexual intercourse. A wonderful option for these people is a called a marriage of friends.
Definition. A marriage of friends is first of all a marriage. This means:
1. It is between two people of the opposite sex. This is necessary for energetic reasons. Men and women blend their energies together in certain ways that simply do not occur when people are intimate with those of the same sex.
People of the same sex can live together, but according to this website and according to the Bible, it is never a marriage.
2. A marriage means a formal agreement. For example, the couple is not just interacting as roommates or casual friends. They need to write a contract that spells out what each wants and what each one is willing to do for and with the other. This is very important to have a marriage, rather than just a roommate situation.
The agreement should be written. A verbal agreement is not nearly as good and we don’t recommend it. Later in this article are suggestions for this agreement.
3. The couple may have children, if they wish. They can come together for ordinary sex for this purpose, or sperm can be collected and injected into the woman to conceive a child. The latter does not work as well, but is possible.
4. The couple need not obtain a marriage license issued by the government. Although most people don’t know it, the marriage license is a relatively recent and deep government intrusion into people’s lives. Marriage is none of the business of government.
For details about the problems of marriage licenses, please read the section on this topic near the end of the article entitled The Marriage Contract.
5. The couple is legally married. In America, this is usually under the common law if you don’t get a marriage license. This means the couple accepts all the legal and societal benefits and obligations that marriage brings.
6. Marriage also means that one agrees to love and cherish the other person for as long as the marriage lasts. This may sound obvious, but it has sexual and other implications that most couples ignore.
For example, it means to always communicate your needs, fears and wants with your partner. It means making all major decisions together as a couple. It means you are never “independent” of your partner.
You must think in terms of “we”, never just “me”. This is actually a training that many people have to learn.
It also means that sexual matters are never just about oneself. This can be difficult for some people because sex is a very selfish activity. So this is a challenge and a marriage of friends is one type of solution.
However, a marriage of friends does not fully solve the sexual problems of marriage. For example, one partner might want regular hugs, or to sleep together, or to kiss and do massage.
The other partner might not like these and might want something different such as bathing together every day or holding hands a lot. One person might want to dress alike, or dress together or always eat together. All this is part of working out the sexual and sensual parts of a marriage.
7. A marriage of friends, compared to a regular marriage, is just one in which the partners agree not to have sexual intercourse. Other sexual activities are up for negotiation, as in any marriage.
II. WHY HAVE A MARRIAGE OF FRIENDS RATHER THAN A STANDARD MARRIAGE
We can divide this section into reasons people like all marriage and then reasons for a marriage of friends. We will arrange these reasons according to the 7 system.
REASONS FOR ANY MARRIAGE (according to the 7 system)
1. Physical reasons: It is safer, especially for women. It is also financially better. Statistically, married people live longer and are healthier than single people.
2. Emotional reasons: Marriage is emotionally and sexually satisfying for most people. It is more fun, one can avoid the hazards of dating and handling strangers, and one can build a family if one desires.
3. Mental/ego reasons: Marriage adds a lot of control and power to most people’s lives. One has a ‘team’ behind one and most feel more powerful this way.
4. Social reasons. Marriage is socially very acceptable and helpful for many social situations such as going to parties, and many more.
5. Partnership and creative reasons. Marriage is definitely a team activity. It can be very creative both for one’s occupation and to produce children.
6. Intellectual reasons: The Bible and most older and modern psychology texts suggest marriage for many reasons. The concept of joining male and female energy in a marriage is intellectually very logical.
7. Spiritual and religious reasons: Marriage is a wonderful spiritual path that many people choose. One moves along with another, each helping the other with their issues and challenges.
REASONS SPECIFICALLY FOR A MARRIAGE OF FRIENDS
1. Physical reasons. Perhaps the woman or man is extremely sensitive in the genital area. Other women or men are diseased and don’t want to spread the diseases.
Still others have suffered sexual traumas and don’t enjoy sex or perhaps have bad reactions to regular sex. This is quite common.
For example, some men and women feel very tired after sex and it can last for several days.
The partners may also want to retain sexual fluids. In a few instances, the woman is very fertile and does not want to have to think about avoiding accidental pregnancies but does not want to use birth control.
2. Emotional reasons. A desire for emotional closeness, support and interaction on an emotional level with another of the opposite sex. This can include touching, kissing, hugging and other play besides intercourse.
3. Mental/power reasons. A desire to live and be active in conjunction with another person of the opposite sex. This is an excellent experience for both men and women.
Another reason is a desire to avoid cutting into the energy field of another. Inserting a body part into another person cuts through the etheric energy field of the person, and this is not ideal, according to some authorities.
Also, according to some spiritual traditions, it is best not to deeply mix together the energy fields of two physical bodies, as occurs with sexual intercourse.
4. Social reasons. A desire for close friendship and the social interaction that comes with living with someone of the opposite sex.
5. Expressive reasons. A desire to work with another closely in creative ways. Marriage often involves this type of teamwork. One possible type of work together is to raise one or more children together.
6. Intellectual reasons. A desire for rather intense intellectual discussion and stimulation that comes with living with another of the opposite sex.
7. Spiritual/energetic reasons. These include:
A. A desire to speed up development. Although development is not as fast with a marriage of friends as it is if a couple does down sex, living with someone of the opposite sex definitely speeds up development.
This is a major reason for a marriage of friends, especially for women. For details about development, read Introduction To Development.
B. A desire to further one’s religious or spiritual life by living with another who shares and supports the same spiritual path.
Living together. Two who are married live together, and consider each other husband and wife. They may also call each other partners, good friends, or even lovers.
Sharing a bed. This is a mixed situation. Sleeping together is more intimate and it helps with both partners’ development to remain physically close to each other as much as possible. However, it also increases the temptation to have sex.
Touching, hugging and kissing. Most people in marriages of friends like some touching, hugging and kissing. This is one reason they want to be married.
Rings. It is best if the partners both wear wedding rings. This signals others that they are in a monogamous relationship and not to approach.
THE BIBLICAL VIEW
The Bible supports the idea of a marriage of friends. In the New Testament of the Bible, Paul of Tarsus says that no sex is best. The marriage of friends is simply an arrangement for those that agree with this view, but would like the benefits of living with someone of the opposite sex.
III. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
IF THE PEOPLE DON’T CARE IF THEY HAVE SEX OR NOT, IS THAT A MARRIAGE OF FRIENDS?
No. A marriage of friends means specifically that the arrangement will not include regular sex.
ARE THERE ANY SITUATIONS IN WHICH THE COUPLE MIGHT DECIDE TO HAVE SEX?
Possibly. Two situations are 1) to conceive a child, and 2) once in a while for fun.
IF ONE PERSON WANTS A MARRIAGE OF FRIENDS AND THE OTHER DOES NOT, OR IS NEUTRAL ABOUT IT, WILL THAT WORK?
Often, if the two love each other enough, they can work out their differences with a compromise. However, two who are contemplating marriage should definitely discuss a marriage of friends before getting married. Otherwise, there can be problems!
CAN THERE BE REAL LOVE AND PASSION WITHOUT SEX?
Definitely. Love and passion are not about sex, but about a deep appreciation and honoring or another person.
HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM HAVING A ROOMMATE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
The difference is that a marriage of friends is more formal. For example, it always includes sexual fidelity and a deep commitment to the relationship.
In contrast, roommate situations are more for convenience. Roommates are not nearly as committed to each other.
Often, roommates have their own boyfriends, girlfriends or affairs outside of their living quarters that are completely independent of and do not involve the roommate.
Also, roommates do not wear wedding rings to signal they are in a monogamous relationship.