By Lawrence Wilson, MD
©Revised, June 2008, The Center For Development
Communication
is a basic human activity. It
involves touching a deep place within that we share. Difficulty communicating causes frustration, fear and even
violence.
Dr.
Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, developed a simple, powerful method to help
this problem. He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC.
This
article explores Dr. Rosenberg’s “system”. It is valuable at times. I truly enjoyed his book and learned a lot about things like
subtle judgment words like should, ought, must, abused, neglected and
more. I also feel it is difficult
to use except if one practices a lot.
This is its biggest drawback for me.
NVC
has saved marriages, helped parents relate to their children, and helped
schools and other institutions function better. It has even stopped rapes and
murders by shifting the attacker’s focus away from anger. NVC practice groups
now exist in most American cities and around the world.
PRINCIPLES OF
NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
NVC
is based on spiritual principles:
1) Each is responsible for
his own life. This means taking full responsibility for one’s feelings, words
and actions, rather than attribute them to others. One also does not take
responsibility for the feelings, thoughts or actions of others, as these belong
to others.
2) One cannot force others
to feel, think or act the way one wishes. Trying to do so through demands,
threats and punishment stops communication. Even if the attempt is successful,
the results often backfire.
3) Judging oneself and
others stops honest communication. Judging has a quality of finality about it.
Also, judging presumes one knows everything about a person or situation, which
is never the case.
4) All are connected at the
level of feelings and needs. Staying in the body, staying present and
empathizing with others brings people together and solves problems.
NVC
is a practical method to apply these principles in daily life. It consists of four basic steps that
one always uses when attempting to communicate with others, particularly in a
tight or difficult situation.
The
basic NVC process consists of four-steps: 1) observing, 2) identifying a
feeling, 3) finding the need behind the feeling, and 4) formulating a
request. Let us discuss each of
these in more detail. If you
actually follow these steps, you can make a huge difference in the quality of
your communications with everyone, especially family, friends and others you
care about a lot. You will find
you will be far more effective and will not “turn off” people nearly as much,
also.
OBSERVING
WITHOUT EVALUATING
The
process begins by observing what is actually occurring in a situation. The
trick is to observe without introducing any judgment or evaluation. This is often not as easy as it
sounds!
For
example, let us say a child refuses to clean up his room. Rather than react,
the first step is to stop for a moment and observe without judging. This is
much tougher than one might imagine. To just blurt out "your room is a
mess" is a judgment. A pure observation might be: "There are five
pieces of clothing on the floor".
Judgments include statements like "he’s
a slob", or calling someone mean, messy, needy, stupid, lazy,
inconsiderate, racist, sexist, selfish, or inappropriate. These words are basically about
making another ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ in some way. They are about blame, insults,
put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons or assessments.
Other,
more subtle judgment words include the words always, never, ever, whenever,
often, frequently, and seldom, when used to exaggerate. For example, "his room is always messy", also
confuse observation with evaluation.
A pure observation is without comparison or evaluation.
If
you want to refer to the past, you could say “this happened three other times
or even many other times”. But
adding the “always” or “usually” word is vague often just adds a subtle
judgment quality to the pure observation.
Once
you have formulated a non-judgmental observation, you are ready for the second
step in the process.
IDENTIFYING A
FEELING
Having
observed, the next step is to identify a feeling related to the
observation. Feelings are
always related to the body, and do not involve others. Again, this is not often easy to do.
Many
people are not in touch with feelings at all. Many pretend they have no
feelings. Learning to express feelings is the first step. In the example of the
child’s room, the parent may feel frustrated, upset, sad, or even despairing at the condition of the room.
Many
people confuse feelings with subtle judgments. In the example above, the parent might have said something
like "I feel abused, abandoned, violated, attacked, betrayed, misunderstood, cheated, guilty, insulted,
used, neglected, or ripped off".
These
seem like feelings, but they are not. They are judgments, because they involve
another person or situation doing something to oneself. This is a huge problem in communication
to void using these words when describing your feelings!
Taking
Responsibility For Feelings. Incidents like
the child’s clothes all over the floor may set the stage for feelings, but they do not cause feelings. Although some will deny this point, one always has a choice how one will feel.
For
example, upon observing the clothing on the floor, a parent could choose to be
grateful their child at least lives at home, even if his room not as clean as
he or she would like.
Ways
that one may deny responsibility for feelings include speech patterns such as
"It bugs me when ..." or "That bugs me". These phrases are judgments that imply
that responsibility for feelings lie outside oneself.
Another
subtle denial is a statement like "I felt sad when you didn’t come
home". This implies that another is responsible for one’s feeling.
Instead, one could say "When you didn’t come home, I chose to remain alone
and felt sad because I was needing companionship".
One
may blame feelings and actions on impersonal forces, a disease or condition,
authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender or age roles, or
impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because they made
me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying responsibility for one’s
actions and feelings denies one’s power and sovereignty, makes one the victim
and subtly blames others for one’s dilemmas.
Assuming
responsibility for others’ feelings. This is
another trap. It can seem like
caring, but it is not! This is a huge source of conflict in relationships.
An
example of assuming responsibility for another’s feelings is to say, "I’m
sorry I made you mad". An NVC
statement might be "When I see that you are mad, I feel sad because I want
a connection with you".
In
other word, each of us always chooses and is responsible for his or her own
feelings. You cannot, strictly
speaking, make another person mad, or sad or even happy, despite what you may
have heard or learned from others.
You can do what you want, and the the other person will choose the
feeling they wish. Many people
have learned this the hard way, that you cannot make others happy. You can only do what you do and others
must be allowed to choose their responses.
Upon
hearing a statement by another, one has four options: 1) blame the other for
the feeling, 2) blame oneself, 3) sense one’s own needs and feelings, or 4)
sense the others’ needs and feelings. The latter two are compassionate
communication responses.
IDENTIFYING
NEEDS OR DESIRES
The
third step, after making a pure observation and properly identifying a feeling,
is to identify your need in this situation. This is also a little tricky.
A
need is always about oneself, not about another. Also, a need here defined is
always a basic human quality such as protection, autonomy, respect, nurturing or play.
In
the example of the child’s room, the parent’s need may be for respect or for
cleanliness (protection from germs). "That you clean up your room" is
not a need. This is a request or demand.
Children
are good at announcing their needs. They cry or scream. However, somewhere along the line, many
of us learned it is not okay to express our needs. Remembering this aspect of our selfhood and humanity is most
important for connecting.
Dr.
Rosenthal states that many people pass through three stages of recovery as they
get in touch with their needs. In the first stage, one feels like a slave,
unable to express one’s needs and feeling responsible for other’s needs.
For
example, in this stage one may be in the habit of saying "I have to go because my kids (or
my friends, or my parents) expect me to".
In
the second stage, one rebels and may act obnoxious. One may be prone to statements like, "I’m not
responsible for you". “I do
my thing and you do yours”.
The
third stage is one of maturity and liberation. One takes responsibility for one’s feelings and needs, but
not those of others. This
represents healthy boundaries. One chooses
to respond out of compassion, but never out of guilt, fear or shame. One can
state needs clearly and be concerned with the needs of others. "I choose
to go here, but not there, because I want to".
FORMULATING A
REQUEST
The
fourth and final step is to formulate a request based on one’s observations,
feelings and needs. A parent might
make this request: "I am feeling frustrated because I have a need to
protect you from illness caused by germs. Would you be willing to clean up your
room?"
Here
are some tips about formulating requests.
1. It is best to phrase
requests positively.
"Would you be willing to clean up your room?" is better than
"Would you be willing to stop making a mess?".
2. Make the request as
specific as possible,
as in "Would you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take
your pillow off the floor?"
3, Always speak kindly,
but firmly and clearly, without unnecessary emotion. For example, it would not be helpful to say “I am so
sick of your mess, will you get going and clean it up for once?”
Requests
Versus Demands. A request is very different from a
demand, but the two are often confused.
The difference is that a request is voluntary, without threats.
Demands force the other person to
submit or rebel, which stops communication. A
subtle form of demand occurs if
the person blames, judges, or lays a guilt trip if the request is not complied
with. For example, “You had better
clean up your room” is a veiled threat and is effectively a demand because it
implies negative consequences if one does not go along..
It
is only a request if the one asking can accept either a yes or no answer. If, when asked to clean up, the child says "no"
and the parent says "You never do what I tell you!", then it was a
demand. It was a request if the parent can answer, "I see that you prefer
to play rather than clean up right now. I am disappointed because I was hoping
you would want to cooperate. Would you be willing to do it after you
play?". The goal is an honest, empathy-based relationship, not just
compliance!
Words
that indicate a subtle demand. The words should,
ought, must, or have to are often demands. For
example, a parent might say, "The room should be cleaned up". This is
a subtle demand, rather than a request.
A
Reflective Request. One excellent type of request is to ask
for reflection. This is especially helpful if one is not sure one was heard and
understood. For example, one could
say "Would you tell me what you heard me say?". This is a request for
empathy and for clarification only. It is not to be confused with sarcasm, as
in screaming at the other "Did you hear me?"
My
Only Issue Here. A problem with always making a request
instead of a demand may bethat, at times, real action is needed. In these cases, a demand may be needed,
as I see it. It might sound like
“Get out of the middle of that busy street or you will be grounded for a
month”.
Marshall
Rosenberg does not deal much with these types of situations, and it is a
weakness of his system, in my view.
However, I understand that he wants to keep all communication open and
this requires totally voluntary participation. His method often works, but may be slower in an emergency.
Also,
in some cases, like the Palestinians versus the Israelis, it may not work at
all. If one of the parties
seriously does not want communication, but only action, then I do not see how
any type of communication skill will really work. Dr. Rosenberg is counting on our humanity to save us – that
we truly want to be heard and to feel our feelings and so forth. I hope this is true but am not always
sure it is the case with everyone.
EMPATHY
Psychologist
Carl Rogers wrote: "When someone really hears you without passing judgment
on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, and without trying to
mold you, it feels damn good."
Listening to others is ‘saying a lot’.
Empathy
is central in NVC. The key
ingredient for empathy, according to Marshall Rosenberg, is presence. It involves being in the present
moment and in the body. It is a non-judgmental state in which one observes
oneself and notes as well what the other person is observing, feeling, needing
and requesting. This is not always
easy! One needs empathy to give
empathy. This can come from a spiritual source within, or from living with
empathetic others, but is not so easy to just learn on one’s own.
Empathy
is unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is
feeling what another person is feeling.
Empathy is something else.
For example, let us review what empathy is NOT.
What
Empathy is Not. When someone speaks, instead of simply
empathizing, one may: offer advice, educate, console, story-tell,
sympathize, interrogate, explain, correct, reassure or explain his position or
feeling.
Just
jumping in after someone speaks is likely to be a knee-jerk reaction to make
the other person feel better by offering somehow to "fix" the
situation. This is a common response, but is often not empathy!
EMPATHY
PRACTICE
Empathy
demands the following order of actions:
1.
First simply be present. This
means to say nothing and to listen carefully and fully, not formulating any
response.
2.
Then ask the person if it is okay to respond or offer a suggestion. A good practice is to paraphrase:
"What I hear you saying is..".
Express what you hear in terms of what you sense the other is observing,
feeling, needing and requesting.
3.
If you ask for more information, first express your own needs and
feelings. For example, you might
say, "I am feeling confused by your statement. Can you tell me more about what happened".
4.
Reflecting back emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can diffuse
anger and could save your life. It may seem time-consuming, but in practice it
saves time and energy by avoiding misunderstanding and expressing patience,
kindness, presence and empathetic behavior.
Just
stay with empathy until there is a release of tension, or until the end of the
flow of the person’s words. Dr.
Rosenberg’s phrase is: Don’t put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person.
Just empathize. This includes empathy for a person saying "no" and
empathy for silence (no answer).
One
woman who attended a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg was alone on duty the next day
at a shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full,
he pulled a knife and in no time was sitting on her chest with the knife at her
throat. She decided this was a good time to practice her NVC. She kept
expressing what she thought he was feeling - afraid, upset, disappointed, and
frustrated. Each time she did so, the man softened a little. Finally, he calmed
down and she was able to drive him to another shelter.
CONCLUSION
There
is much more in Marshall Rosenberg’s book and tapes about expressing anger,
receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the proper use of force and
punishment. One’s intention to
really connect is very important in NVC. Otherwise, the best-chosen words and
phrases will be hollow. Vigilance and practice are also most important,
especially until old habits have been undone.
I
find compassionate communication to be an excellent spiritual practice, useful
in every waking moment. Even when
I am alone, old life-alienating phrases like "I should do this"
arise. Remember the four steps: 1)
observe the situation without judging or evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in
oneself, 3) identify one’s need and 4) formulate a request.
Resources
1. Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent
Communication, A Language of Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del Mar, CA 1999. For books, tapes,
workbooks, seminars and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or visit www.cnvc.org.
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