DATING FOR DEVELOPMENT
by Dr. Wilson And Friends
© September 2021, LD Wilson Consultants, Inc.
All information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment, prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
This article is being revised, so it may not be in finished form.
WARNING: Do not let your daughters date in high school at all. These days, it is extremely dangerous for them.
Seduction and date rape are very serious problems for all women on all dates – at all ages. This applies to all meetings with men – lunch meetings, casual walks, and everything else.
We are sorry to have to say this. However, we need to warn all women of all ages that there is a problem at this time on earth with rapes during meetings with men for any reason.
STDs. Dating with sex or any touching is also hazardous due to the high incidence of sexually-transmitted diseases today in all age groups, even young teenagers.
Many sexually-transmitted diseases are difficult to heal with medical methods. Fortunately, a complete development program can eventually get rid of them, but it takes a lot of work and time. For details, read Healing From Rape.
For Women - Early Signs Of Trouble On A Date Or Any Meeting With A Man
The Sexy Problem
The Boredom Problem
The Glamour Problem
The Honesty Problem
The Investment Problem
Psychological Damage Due To Dating
Types Of Men And Women
What To Look For
How To Meet People
Women Can Take The Lead
Two Methods Of Dating
- The Smell Method
- Phone Dating
A. What To Do When Starting Out
B. What To Do When You Are Asked Out
C. What To Do During Dates
D. What To Do If Trouble Arises
Down Sex Versus Regular Sex
Feeling Safe, A Critical Issue
What To Look For In A Prospective Marriage Partner
A Sad Teenage Dating Story
Dating. This usually means meeting up with a person of the opposite sex for one or more of several purposes that often involve sex. The only purpose we recommend is to find a marriage partner.
However, some people date out of boredom or loneliness, to have sex, for excitement, to “get experience”, to be popular, or to gain an advantage such as to help land a job.
We only recommend dating for the purpose of finding a marriage partner because otherwise dating is quite dangerous for women, and even for men. This is because there exist today many sexual predators and rapists who can do immeasurable harm to a person.
A problem is that if one is asked out, is it a date or just a friendly meeting? This is not always easy to figure out! However, women and men need to realize that any invitation may not be what it seems.
Definition of Courtship. This is meeting up with a person of the opposite sex specifically for the purpose of finding a marriage partner.
Dating for development. We are revising this article so that it focuses on finding a marriage partner who is interested and committed to the idea and path of development.
We believe this should be the focus of anyone who reads this website. Also, it is not enough to find someone who says he or she will “allow” you to follow the development program. Look for someone who is very interested and demonstrates that he or she wants to live on and follow the program with you.
We suggest discussing the development program very early on when dating. Some people will be interested, while others will not.
We assure you that marrying someone who will follow the development program with you is superb. Marrying someone who either is not interested in the development program or worse, opposes it, is one of the worst things you can do if you are committed to development. It does not matter what other excellent qualities a person has.
So it is worth taking the time during courtship to make sure the person shares your commitment to development. For details about development and the development program, at least read Introduction To Development and Introduction To The Development Program. Many other articles on this website discuss various aspects of development, as well.
Two methods of dating. This article discusses two very important methods of dating. To begin with phone dating is safer, but slower and sometimes not as good as the second method, the smell method. We discuss both methods below.
Blind date. This is a date set up by a third party such as a friend in which neither person knows the other at all. In a way, all first dates are blind dates.
Before going out with anyone, we always advise speaking at some length with the person via telephone to learn more about him or her. This is very important. Do not just “go out” with someone you do not know! It is very dangerous for women, and even for men today.
Women, in particular, should try to check out the man any way possible such as finding out where he works and talking to his co-workers.
Casual dating. This is meeting someone for fun, out of boredom, and often to have casual sexual relations, rather than dating specifically to find a marriage partner.
This is extremely tempting, at times, especially if one is bored, lonely, or wants to “gain experience”. However, it is totally unsafe for women men, and always very stupid.
Besides the possibility of rape or seduction, contracting diseases, and even the possibility of death, it wastes a lot of time, often keeps people up late at night which is bad for health, and usually is a violation of the Commandment regarding adultery or sex without marriage.
Daters. These are people who go on a lot of dates. They are usually not serious about finding a mate and the dates often involve casual sex. They are full of diseases and unsafe to be with.
Many live in large cities. Many work in certain industries such as the financial or medical industries, where rape is common and employees are often told to date this way.
Some of them are bisexual. All have loose morals. Avoid these people!
Players. These are men or women who are quite experienced at seduction and many of them rape. They are also filthy with diseases, even if they look completely clean and well-dressed. Avoid them.
EARLY SIGNS OF TROUBLE ON A DATE OR ANY MEETING
The following does not always indicate trouble with a man, but it often does. Here are some common signs to look for.
Clean-cut. Predators and date rapists are often very clean-cut, nicely shaven, and smell very good using lots of deodorant and cologne.
Their teeth are often very white, and their breath smells good. Often they are sucking on a mint. Their hair is neat and they smile a lot and praise everything about you. Their clothing is often very neat, well-fitting and clean.
Most are quite attractive men with clear, bright eyes. They may use Visine or other products before “meeting” you to enhance their eyes.
The first date may go very well. You may think you have found a very nice man. However, in reality he is learning what you like so that he can trick you. His real agenda is seduction and/or rape, which are often woven together on a date. The goal is to humiliate you, dirty you up for life, or much worse than that – beat, torture and brainwash you.
No sitting together. Other signs of trouble if he takes you out for a nice dinner – often to your favorite restaurant – and wants to sit next to you. Never allow this!!! Always sit opposite him, never next to him. If this is not possible, say that you want to go to a different restaurant.
The reason is that sitting next to you it is much easier to drug your food or drink (very common). Also, it is much easier to get you to smell his cologne and his breath. It is also much easier to stroke your hair, grab you, show you his beautiful penis under the table, breathe in your ear, whisper romantic words or sounds, unbutton a button on your blouse or more, or put a finger in your crotch.
Mental sex. Many men while driving with you or eating with you are very good at visualizing hugging you and kissing you, then slowly and gently undressing you, and then gently stimulating you until you are ready for sex, which they may visualize for an hour or more during a date, all the while eating dinner with you or perhaps sipping tea with you or watching a movie with you or even just speaking with you on a phone date.
If you suspect any of this, break it off and say you have to go home at once, even if dinner is only half eaten or the movie is only half over and it’s a good movie. You are being set up for what is to come.
In fact, any time a woman is on a date or any meeting with a man and she finds herself “warming up” – becoming sexually aroused at all – the man is likely visualizing a sexual encounter with her. It is dangerous for her to be around him!
Women can easily be misled into thinking the arousal means she likes him and he likes her, and all is well. She then lets down her guard, gets in his car and that is all it takes. Even worse, she lets him in to her home or even worse than that, she accepts an invitation to spend some time at his house.
Beware of these simple signs.
Millions of women experience rape on dates! Please do not doubt this. The problem is much worse today than it was 50 years ago, so advice from older people about dating is simply not true any more. Please read this article through before dating.
The possibility of rape is a major reason to be extremely careful with all dating and courtship. Reasons why rape occurs easily on dates are:
1. Certain attitudes and expectations regarding dating.
Male attitudes that cause problems:
- “All is fair in love and war.”
- “It’s all about the conquest. Fun means getting her into bed.”
- “Anyone who accepts a date really wants sex. That is what dating is for.”
- “Everyone is having casual sex these days.”
- “My penis is hard. It must mean she wants me, or we are in love.”
Female attitudes that cause problems:
- “Men just want one thing. If you want to date, you go to bed with them.”
- “It is time for girls to have the same sex fun as the boys.”
- “Sex is just a form of love, and no big deal.”
- “If he really cares for me, he will want sex. If he doesn’t want sex, he doesn’t care for me.”
- “Real men are sexy, and I like the drama of the conquest. All power to him.”
- “I’m really turned on or wet or hot. It must mean that we’re supposed to have sex.”
- “I guess everyone has sex on dates, so why shouldn’t I?”
2. Carelessness. Some women don’t check out their dates carefully enough, don’t have high enough standards, or have standards but don’t adhere to them.
3. Men’s tricks. Many men know dozens of tricks to cause a young woman to become sexually aroused, take off her clothes, lie down, space out, lose her inhibitions, or just to not think things through carefully.
Most women do not realize how well “prepared” most young men are to get any woman to have sex.
4. Hormones. Both young men and young women have plenty of sex hormones that encourage sexual activity.
5. Cultural and media influences today. Modern mass media teaches young people the lie that all sex is good, healthy and fun. This is one of the basic lies taught by the rogues.
The media also teaches the lies that there is no reason to be afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases, that abortions handle pregnancies easily, and that women are just like men. This last one is the worst!
6. Easy arousal. Many women, especially teens, are very sensitive and easy to arouse sexually. Once aroused, many lose control of their bodies, become frightened, and often agree to sex. Some boys and men know all about this, and know exactly how to arouse a woman.
7. The freeze response. A woman who is frightened for any reason often “freezes up”. This means she goes silent, and may go along with whatever is asked of her. This leads many women to go along with a request for sex when she does not want it.
Predators understand this phenomenon very well, and use it against women all the time. They may grab a woman’s arm, for example, and squeeze it tightly as they ask her for sex. They may also stare intently at her, as if he will attack her if she says no to sex. She gets scared and freezes up, which he takes as a “yes” answer.
The freeze response also occurs accidentally, at times. In these cases, neither the man nor the woman understand it. When she goes quiet after a request for sex, he often wrongly assumes she wants sex.
In reality, she is so scared and fearful for her life that she cannot speak. Often, she will do whatever her date wants - just to stay alive.
8. Setups. Some dates are totally phony and just setups for rape. This happens often. Rapists know that date rapes are hard to prosecute in court. After all, the woman agreed to go out with the man. Also, there are usually no witnesses, so it is his word against hers.
For example, we do not recommend having dinner at a man’s house unless you know him very well. It is just very easy to drug the food.
9. Vulnerable. Many women put themselves in vulnerable situations on dates. Here are just a few of the ways this occurs:
- A woman may dress scantily to show off, for fun, or to impress the date. He may even buy you the sexy outfit that he thinks is “just amazing” on you.
- On most dates, the couple is alone in a car, at a home, or elsewhere.
- The couple may attend parties where they do not know the people well. This is one of the very worst risks of dating. Often, the entire party is a setup to get you to have sex. The punch may be spiked, or there may be other men there to ‘help’ hold you down.
- You may intentionally or secretly consume alcohol or drugs, which makes you easy prey.
- You may go on a date at the beach or on a boat where you undress or wear very little clothing.
- You may want to have a little “fun”, which means kissing, touching, hugging and other behaviors that can quickly lead to sexual arousal and loss of bodily control for a woman.
- You are often out late at night when you are tired and not thinking clearly. “Nothing good happens after 10 PM” is a valid saying.
10. Signaling. Women can unknowingly signal a willingness to fool around or have sex on a date, even though she is unaware of it. This leads to confusion or a “green light” that ends in rape.
11. All the other reasons rape occurs. These include that women are attractive, physically weaker than men, smaller than men, cannot run as fast as men or fight as well as men.
Talking rape. This is not physical rape. However, at times a woman has told her date that they will not touch and will not talk about sex.
However, he starts talking about it anyway. He knows that if they talk about sex, he can talk a certain number of women into having sex.
When she objects, he threatens her in some way and keeps talking about it. This is intimidating and very scary for a woman. She may end up agreeing to have sex out of fear.
THE PROBLEM OF SEDUCTION
This is a major problem with dating for women. To seduce means to lure or entice someone into doing something she really does not want to do – in this case, having sex.
In other words, while rape is forced sex, seduction technically is about getting a woman to set aside her inhibitions and standards, or to change her mind and to agree to sex.
We say that all seduction today is rape. The reason is that dating is not a level playing field. Men have tremendous advantages over women. As a result, women are always easy prey for seduction.
Let us explain the reasons for this. They have to do with the differences between men and women.
Some of these are mentioned elsewhere, such as that women are physically weaker, smaller, and more attractive. However, there are many more reasons why seduction of women is often easy. They are:
- Women are much more fearful than men. They will often go along with a request for sex out of fear. At times, men misunderstand this. Usually, however, men just like it.
- Women are more sensitive than men. They are easy to arouse sexually, easy to get drunk or high on drugs, and easy to flatter or upset.
- Women often do not think as clearly as men. This can be due to premenstrual syndrome, too much copper in the body, low zinc, too much yeast that produces a little alcohol in the brain, and other reasons. As a result, many women dress poorly, put themselves in situations that can be exploited by seducers, and do not think through situations as well as men.
- Some women are arrogant, especially if they are pretty. They think they are in charge, or have the upper hand, when in fact they do not.
- Women’s clothing today is often not heavy enough and is easy to remove.
- Women are more loving than men, who, as a group, are more selfish and cunning. As a result, women are more trusting and are often deceived by men, who lie more often than women, as a group.
- Women are sadder than men, in general. This has to do with their body chemistry and health problems such as a slow oxidation rate. It makes women much more vulnerable to seduction on dates.
- Many women are already conditioned to go along with a request for sex. This is mainly due to the activity of the Rogues on earth.
Charmers. There are men who are very persuasive when it comes to seducing women to have sex with them. These men can get any woman sexually excited, often in a matter of minutes with a combination of methods.
Some can tune into the souls and ask exactly what the woman wants to hear or feel or see, and so they are often successful. No one is safe from them.
The only options for dealing with these men are 1) avoid them completely and never go out with them, or 2) always have strict standards and never relax them, no matter what! If any man excites you, tell him to phone you and do phone dating for 4-6 months before even considering meeting him.
Methods of seduction 1-7
Seduction can be done in at least seven ways:
1) Physical seduction. This includes tickling, kissing or stroking the body to induce sexual pleasure, hoping the woman will want or at least agree to more of it.
2) Emotional seduction. This might include when a man begs, pleads, or even cries to get a woman to feel sorry for the man or have compassion for him, or “have a heart” and go to bed with him. This trick works very well on some women.
3) Mental or ego seduction. This is very common, and consists of heaping insincere praise and flattery upon a woman. Many women are easily sucked into this game. It is designed to get her to give up her standards and rules in order to get even more flattery when they have sex.
4) Social seduction. This involves bringing in other people and using peer pressure or group pressure to get a woman to agree to have sex. This is common at parties and on double dates that are really setups for seduction.
5) Creative or work-related seduction. This is used in some companies, for example, to convince a woman that having sex is just part of “being on the team” and is a way to “bond with the team”. Rewards may also be held out to her, such as a promotion or a better salary.
6) Intellectual seduction. This is using beliefs and ideas such as ‘communal sharing’, ‘diversity’, the ‘right to pleasure’, or ‘free love’ to convince a woman to have sex.
7) Spiritual seduction. This is the use of religious or spiritual arguments to entice a woman into having sex. Some gurus and even some church leaders do this very well. They may say that “God spoke to him and says we must get together”, perhaps to save the world.
Very rarely, seduction occurs accidentally. Usually the couple is kissing or touching. Both become sexually aroused, and they decide they are “in love” and that they should have sex.
Seducing men. Men are often easily seduced, as well, by beautiful and charming rogue women who may profess to be in love, but their real goal is to filth up men or hurt them in other ways. For more details, read Seduction.
THE PROBLEM OF SEXUALLY-TRANSMITTED DISEASES, WITH OR WITHOUT SEX
This is another serious and common problem with all dating. Diseases can be acquired due to kissing, hugging. tickling or even just holding hands.
A major problem is that today most young men and young women have more than one sexually-transmitted disease. You cannot tell by appearance and you cannot believe any man or woman who says “I don’t have diseases”.
Your date may never have had sex. He or she may have acquired the diseases from swimming in a pool, using a hot tub, wearing clothing belonging to someone else, using dirty towels, and even just touching objects that others have touched.
Common places people pick up these diseases are any in which you take off some or all of your clothing. These include school locker rooms and bath houses, for example, where people change their clothes.
Today, even riding on public transportation such as taxicabs, trains, buses, or airplanes easily spreads disease.
Once again, you cannot tell if a person is diseased from their appearance or what they tell you. A development program will slowly get rid of these diseases, but it is a slow process.
THE PROBLEM OF SIGNALING
A serious problem with dating is that a woman or even a man may send signals to the other person that are interpreted as a desire for sex when that is not the intent.
The signals can range from the way a person dresses, smells, speaks, gestures, stares, or even plays with the hair.
Examples of signaling are dressing sexy such as wearing shorts, sleeveless blouses, or any tight or sheer clothing. Other examples are playing with the hair or wearing a lot of makeup. Others are unbuttoning the top button of your blouse, or unzipping a dress a little, or any undressing at all on a date “just for fun”.
Other examples are not wearing a bra, agreeing to stay out late, or going on overnight dates such as camping or trips. Still others are flirting, sexy dancing or touching, lying down on a bed, especially on your back, rubbing your body against the other person’s body, staring at a man’s genital area, or talking about subjects such as sexy movies or books.
Signaling is tricky because:
A. Female bodies, in particular, are automatically very sexy. Very little, or even no effort is required on your part to send sexy signals to a date.
B. Signaling can be an accident, such as a button on your blouse comes undone or a zipper is down and you don’t see it.
C. You may not think something is signaling, but he may think it is. It could be your cologne or deodorant, or the way you are wearing your hair, or even a color you are wearing.
D. Signaling can be unconscious.
You can minimize signaling, but it will often occur to some degree. It can be helpful to talk about it with your date, especially if he or she thinks it is a problem.
This is also why it is important to tell your date before the date that you are not interested in sex.
THE PROBLEM OF SEXY
Women and men often spend a lot of time and energy preparing for a date. This might include bathing, combing the hair, dressing just right and smelling just right.
The intent may just be to make a good impression and not seem sloppy or dirty. However, it often makes a person smell and look much more sexy. This is taken as a signal that the person wants sex when it may not be the truth at all.
THE PROBLEM OF HONESTY
On dates, men and women often want to impress the other person. This easily leads to dishonesty that is often difficult to identify.
This is one reason to have a longer courtship, and spend some time checking out what your date has told you about himself or herself as best you can.
THE PROBLEM OF BOREDOM
Especially early in a relationship, your date may speak about what he or she is comfortable with, and it may be boring for you. As a result, you may dismiss someone too quickly.
Realize that many people are somewhat uncomfortable with a new person and it may take a few dates for the person to relax and let their true personality shine through.
THE GLAMOUR PROBLEM
Dating can be glamorous and exciting, and this can get in the way of getting to know your date. For example, your date may be very attractive or handsome, or have a fancy car or may dress very well. He or she may be in an exciting business that they describe to you.
These are interesting, but much less important than shared values. However, they often occupy a person’s attention and mislead one.
THE INVESTMENT PROBLEM
This occurs when you have spent at least a few months or maybe several years dating a person and then a problem arises. It can be tempting to continue the relationship, even though you know better, because you have invested a lot of time, energy and maybe money in the relationship.
For example, you may have bought and received many gifts from the other person. You may have spent a lot of time meeting the other person’s family and friends, and you may like them. You may just have become comfortable with your date. This problem causes a lot of bad marriages to occur!
This is another problem for women. It is that many women are at least somewhat interested in having sex, even if they are unaware of it and consciously know it is not best.
A man who understands this can use it to advantage in seduction, for example. The causes include:
- A hormonal and biological desire to reproduce.
- Traumas from rapes, molestations, movies, books and more that can portray sex as a good thing and that the more, the better.
- A desire for touch, pleasure or “love”.
- A desire for certain odors.
PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE FROM DATING
Many women, in particular, have other bad experiences with dating. For example, you may not be treated well on a date and words or actions can leave scars in a sensitive person. The vaginal peroxide procedure or penis peroxide procedure for men are excellent to get rid of these scars or traumas. Coffee enemas and vaginal coffee implants are also very good to rid the body of many dating-related scars and traumas.
A safety problem with dating and courtship is that men have advantages over women. They include:
- Men are usually much stronger than women, even if the man is not bigger or heavier than the woman.
- Most men are bigger, taller and heavier than most women.
- Men can handle alcohol and drugs much better than most women. This means that if a couple has a drink or smokes a little marijuana, the man will be in much better control than the woman.
- Sexually, men stay in much better control than women. This is at all stages of sexual arousal, from simple interest to orgasms. With orgasms, women quickly lose control of their bodies and men often know this and take full advantage of it.
- Men are often more interested in sex and less interested in love than are women. Women tend to be more romantic, emotional, sentimental and often more gullible or suggestible than most men. This usually works against women in dating situations.
- Socially, women are often more easily influenced than men and this is often used against women during dating and courtship. For example, in a groups setting such as a double date or a party, peer pressure can cause a woman to take off her clothes and even have sex against her better judgment.
Women are much more fearful than most men, and this is often used against women in dating situations. For example, it is easy for men to use veiled or overt threats to cause women to have sex against their better judgment.
It often does not take much effort to cause a woman to become afraid and to go along with sex. He may just need to grab her arm tightly to cause significant fear.
Many women become paralyzed when this occurs and then if the man suggests sex, the woman may not respond. The man can interpret this as a ‘yes’ response. For more details, read Women Are Not The Same As Men.
FIVE TYPES OF MEN AND WOMEN, IN SEXUAL MATTERS
1. Protectors. These are not that common, sadly, in our post-Judeo-Christian society. These are men who are protectors of women and women who are also protectors of others. They have strong Judeo-Christian values. They would never harm you in any way and some might even put themselves between you and an attacker even at some personal risk.
We need a lot more of these people or women will never be safe. If you can find one of these men to date, you are fortunate. Age, appearance, financial status, religion and perhaps other qualities are much less important than finding a man who does not even think about taking advantage of you.
We are sad to say that many women’s priorities are incorrect in this regard.
Men should also look for women who are protectors and not opportunists or prostitute types.
2. Loose, but decent. There are quite of few of these around, but you have to be sure they are decent and not in the other categories below before you marry or even date one of them.
These people have a somewhat weak value system, but they do not tend to harm others. You are generally safe around these people. However, they do not see themselves as protectors of women or men, which is how people ought to view themselves.
These men are better to date than the categories below, but definitely not as good as the ones in the category above.
3. Opportunists. If a woman or a man is open to sex, opportunists will take advantage. These people tend to be friendly and seductive, but not too aggressive. They are quite common. We would avoid them. They do not make good dates or husbands because you cannot trust them.
4. Predators or seducers. These are men looking for sex. They will come close to raping “if it helps” to convince a woman to have sex. There are plenty of these men around. Sometimes you can tell them by the way they look you over or the way they approach and speak to you.
These men are definitely bad news. Never go out with one of them, even if other things seem okay such as he is a member of your church or you know his family.
The men can be hard to avoid. They are quite aggressive. They may call you on the phone a lot, knock on your door, tap on your windows, send emails, send flowers or candy, and more. They want to wear you down and they are usually very skilled at this.
Tell them to stop. Do not take their calls or answer their letters and emails. Reject their gifts. If the man persists, call the police and ask for protection from this stalker.
Some are more subtle but no less aggressive. They may just send you gift and notes, or even just money.
5. Professional rapists and whores. These are men and women who are very difficult to handle because they are seasoned professionals, often work in teams with a gang, and carefully plan their attacks.
Even carrying a gun or having a big dog often does little to stop them. Hiring a squad of bodyguards is about the only defense and even that may not work.
A woman’s only hope against them is to avoid them by staying out of sight and out of public places. We know this is difficult, but some women choose this option. Somewhat protective is to get married and especially to have children. However, these are not a guarantee.
It seems very unfair that women have to worry about rape all the time. However, perhaps women need to pursue to a completely different lifestyle. For details, read Broadcasting For Women.
Within the last three categories are many types of seducers and predators. Some have a wonderful sense of humor, some smell wonderful or dress beautifully, and some dance extremely well.
Others are so sweet and gentle they are hard to resist. Some are very good at tickling with both their mind and their hands. Some know how to appeal to a woman’s motherly instincts. Some are very skilled at making you feel sorry for them. Some are very skillful with words of love and pleasure, and more.
All of them secretly use mind control techniques to excite you, confuse you, get you to drop your guard, and more.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR
The most important rule is to look for people who share your values. We assure you this is much more important than one’s looks or age. Other qualifications are also often less important, as well.
The development program gives one a very specific set of values that hopefully you embrace and you can look for in others.
The best are people who are already on the development program and love it. Next best are people who are not on the program yet, but when you explain it to them, they want to begin at once.
Less desirable are people who are not too interested in the program or worse, are antagonistic to it.
WAYS TO MEET PEOPLE
Among the best ways to meet someone for development dating are:
- Development venues. We do this informally right now. That is, if you are interested in meeting someone, if you let Dr. Wilson know he will keep this in mind as he reviews many people’s hair mineral tests. In the future, we hope to have a more formal development program introduction service.
- Friends and family members. Tell them you are interested in finding a husband or wife and to be on the lookout for anyone they think would be a good match.
- Interest groups. Another way to meet people is to join clubs or organizations that you believe in and like such as a hiking club or bird watching club. You might also do volunteer work at a place where you can meet people for dating. Any type of class or activity can work.
- Professional matchmaking, introduction or dating services. These can work and usually say they screen people. However, we advise caution, especially for women, with all methods of meeting people. This means begin with phone dating as explained later in this article.
Traditional matchmaking services. This is an old fashioned professional method for meeting people. One pays a fee and the matchmaker connects you with a certain number of people for dating. They will often also coach you through the dating process.
Today these services often cater to higher income people. At this time, no dating service we know of is specifically geared to the development program.
Computer dating. These services are popular. An advantage is that you can potentially match up with thousands of people all over your nation or even the world.
Problems are predators and people who are dishonest in their descriptions of themselves. Once again, with all methods of meeting people, we advise plenty of caution for women, in particular.
The effect of development. As one develops, often one will be led to a partner when the time is right. This can be slow and frustrating, but often works out well.
WOMEN CAN TAKE THE LEAD
An important dating concept is that it is perfectly fine for a woman to initiate a date or courtship and to help sustain a relationship that she likes. Here are three examples:
1. If a woman happens to stand in line or is near a man and she is interested in getting to know him better, it is fine to turn to him and say, “Are you married?” If he says no, it is fine to say, “Would you like to go out with me?”
2. During a date or at the end, if a woman wants another date with a man, she must tell him how much she enjoyed the date and that she would very much like to go out again. This is very important.
3. During courtship if the man does not call for a date after one or two weeks and the woman is interested in the man, it is important and perfectly acceptable for her to call him and request a date.
STAGES OF DATING
Dating may be divided into several stages. These are:
1. Pre-dating. This has two aspects: researching your date and agreeing to the conditions for dating.
2. Early dating. Ideally this is done by phone for safety, or perhaps meeting in a coffee shop or other public place only, again for the woman’s safety.
3. More serious courtship. This is when you and the other person are truly considering marriage. Another article discusses stages of a relationship. For details, read Fourteen Stages Of A Relationship.
TWO DATING METHODS
This article discusses phone dating in detail below. A second method that is much less well known is the smell method. You can combine them.
1. THE SMELL METHOD
This is a little unusual, but it can work very well. A fairly reliable way to assess compatibility with another person for marriage is if you like their smell. So keep this in mind.
Conversely, if you don’t like the smell of the person you are dating or courting, this is a red flag, even if everything else is going well.
This approach may not work if you are not sensitive to odors. However, many women and some men are quite sensitive to odors and should pay attention to them.
An advantage of this method is that it can save months of your time. If a person does not smell good, often it is best to move on to someone else.
Disadvantages and dangers. To assess a person’s smell, you need to get close to the other person, such as during a hug or kiss. You cannot assess the smell over the telephone, for instance.
Meeting the person for a cup of tea at a coffee shop may be adequate. However, some men including most rapists wear a lot of deodorant or cologne to cover up their bad odor, so beware
Important for women - If you want to meet someone at a coffee shop and are not feeling absolutely safe, bring another person with you to the coffee shop. Have him or her go in after you and sit in the background, but where they can keep an eye on you.
If the man grabs you, the other person can scream or ask for help if you cannot.
Other disadvantages. If a person is ill or even just eats too much meat, it can cause a bad odor that is not the person’s real odor.
Another danger is to be guided by smell alone or to put too much attention on smell. Do not do this. The person must meet your standards in every way, not just smell.
Another danger is not being strict enough about smell. It is easy to be swayed by good looks and sweet talk and you may ignore a bad smell. Do not do this as it is very dangerous.
The “smell test” is often a reliable way to stay safe, but you must not go out or continue a date if the smell is not good.
However, as stated above, this can be difficult because people often dress well and bathe before dating and use deodorants and cologne to make a good impression.
2. THE PHONE DATING METHOD
Most young people just start dating without giving it much thought. We suggest a very different approach. We will divide how to date into three steps:
A. What to do first when you are thinking about dating.
B. What to do when you are asked out on a date.
C. What to do during your dates.
A note for men. If a woman wants to go out immediately and not do phone dating, it presents a dilemma for a man. Going out may seem much easier and faster. However, it is not as safe for men. Some women are predators and seducers and very good at it. Usually, they are quite pretty and know how to excite a man, but their secret goal is to filth him up.
We would advise men to do phone dating first and follow the same rules as women.
Here are details of the three steps to dating.
A. WHAT TO DO FIRST WHEN THINKING ABOUT DATING
1. Read this entire article at least once. It will acquaint you with dating - its purposes, stages, dangers, and more. Especially beware of the dangers of dating today, which are somewhat different than in the past. Therefore, your parents’ advice, or that of older people, may not always hold true.
2. Make a list of what you are looking for in a partner. This is a critical step, so do not overlook it. Parts of it may be difficult, but do your best with it. You will be very happy that you did. For the details, see the section below about The List.
3. Set up your dating rules and standards. This is necessary, or you are easy prey for seducers and rapists who often use dating as a way to lure young women for sex and rape. If you don’t believe this, you are not very aware.
Sadly, many women do not have rules for dating. Instead, they say they are “open”, “will see how things go”, “just want to relax and have fun”, or are “not sure” how to dress or behave. These women are much more likely to have negative experiences with dating. Here are the rules we suggest:
A. Women need to decide to always wear “the dating outfit”. The outfit is a bra, no low cut blouses, no sleeveless, and wear a cross even if you are not Christian.
Do not wear tight, sheer, see-through or mesh clothes. Do not wear a dress of any kind or length. Instead, wear pants that do not have a zipper in front. Always wear running shoes.
- Smart women keep their hair very short. Long hair is very easy to grab in order to restrain you. If you must wear longer hair, tie it up so the man cannot grab it as easily.
- Always wear running shoes, and never sandals, boots and definitely not flip flops. This is so you can run. Some women think that boots are best because you can kick the person. Think again! Unless you are a trained fighter, it won’t work. Boots are not designed for running and you can trip more easily in them.
- Do not carry a purse. A small fanny pack is best to hold your wallet, phone and other necessities. You want both hands to be free all of the time.
You don’t want your date to be able to grab your purse that contains your car keys and phone. Also, many women leave their purse in stores, theatres and elsewhere, which is no good.
B. Wear a promise ring all the time in public. This is a thin ring worn on the fourth finger of the left hand. It is smaller than a wedding ring. It can be of various materials and designs.
It tells the world that you do not have sex before marriage. It is a symbol and a reminder to you, as well as to your date. It is not meant to keep men away, but rather to communicate your intentions about dating.
C. On dates, always avoid drugs, alcohol, or anything that impairs your physical or mental functioning. This includes staying up past about 11 PM. End your date earlier if you need to go to bed earlier, as many women do. Set this up before going on the date so it does not look like you want to go home because you are just bored.
If you really want to be safe, do not eat or drink at all on dates. We know this is inconvenient and may not always be possible, but it is safer to avoid poisoning in your food or drink.
D. When the day of the date arrives, if you are very tired or not feeling well for any reason, reschedule your date. Do not be embarrassed about doing this.
E. Some women must not date just before their period because their mind does not function well at this time of the month.
F. Date seriously, not for ‘fun’ or just because others are dating. Casual dating always gets young women and some young men into trouble that often lasts a lifetime. Part of serious dating for safety is that if you realize that someone is not for you, move on and do not get attached.
G. Program 911 into your phone as “1”. It may not stop a rape, but it might help if a date starts threatening you.
H. Begin or continue with a complete development program. This will sharpen your mind, give you more energy - and make you more attractive. It will also get rid of toxic potassium, which keeps people immature. It will also help your self-esteem. All this can help dating tremendously.
I. Don’t become attached to one person for dating. Always, right up until marriage, be willing to at least talk to other people so that you end up with the best match. If you find yourself saying you won’t consider anyone else, usually you are being controlled and that is bad.
J. Don’t be too trusting of anyone. Anyone can lie about their past, their diseases, their real goals and wishes, and more. If you find yourself saying “I just trust that person” it can be a sign that you are infatuated or under another’s control and not thinking clearly.
Also, always try to verify people’s stories. Never just accept what you hear. Dating is an area where lying is common!
B. WHAT TO DO WHEN ASKED OUT ON A DATE
A. BEFORE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW WELL, YOU MUST RESEARCH YOUR DATE CAREFULLY. This is very important. Do not be shy about it if you value your life.
It requires a phone call with him. It is not a date. It is purely information gathering.
To do this, you write down his phone number. Then, use someone else’s phone to call him so he does not get your phone number.
On the phone call: Get his full name, address, age, other phone numbers, work address and phone, names of close family members, and names and addresses of parents.
Ask where he grew up and where he went to college. Also ask if he is a member of a church or synagogue, or any other affiliations that you can check.
If he hesitates or does not want to give out all this information, do not go out with him!
Assuming you get the information, then get off the phone and check out the truth of everything he told you. Look up names, addresses, and phone numbers on the internet.
Try to catch him in lies. If something does not “add up”, you might need to call him again and ask him to clarify it with more details. If you value your life, take the time and trouble to do this, even if it seems burdensome or like spying. It is not spying!
Beware! Do not tell him much about yourself. He may ask you questions. Tell him you won’t tell him now.
He could use your information against you. For example, he might tell you he has the same values and interests as you do when it is not true.
Only if the information checks out, go on to the next step.
B. Before dating, communicate your conditions for dating. We suggest the following conditions for dating:
1. There must be complete honoring and respecting of you, at all times. For example, if you want to go home at any time, he takes you home right away.
2. We will phone date for 4 months, followed by meetings in crowded public places only for another 4 months before having any other types of dates.
3. We will only do no-talk, no-touch dating. This means the man may not touch the woman’s body at all on dates. This includes kissing, arm around the waist or neck, and even holding hands. It may seem drastic, but it is the best way to avoid problems.
If a woman allows any touching, she can easily become excited sexually. Predatory men can then often seduce her or talk her into having sex.
No-talk means there will be no talk about sex, about having sex, or about touching. The reason for this is that a clever man can, at times, easily talk a woman into having sex.
You need to be prepared to go home at once if touching or sex talk begins. Have the phone number of a reputable taxicab company programmed into a cell phone, for example, so you can call a cab and get home quickly.
No-touch, no-talk dating is one of the best safeguards for women against seduction.
4. He must make his list before the first date. Tell him the outline of the list, and that you will share these lists with each other on the first date.
5. We will plan ALL dates beforehand on the phone. Do not just “go out” with him. Just going along because your date wants to go to a party or somewhere else is always dangerous.
Also, do not go on a date if your date won’t tell you where he will take you. If he says, “It’s a surprise.” Say “No thank you”. Also, if he changes the agreed-upon plans for the date, ask to be taken home at once. Get out of the car if you must - it is usually a setup for predation or rape.
6. We will avoid all parties unless you, (the woman) knows everyone who will be there. Parties are among the most dangerous places for a young woman.
7. We will not spend a lot of time with his or your family. This may sound unusual, but it is important. Sometimes meeting the wonderful Mom or Dad confuses you because their son or daughter may not be that great. So be polite, but don’t get too involved in the other person’s family in the early stages of dating. The “family” may even be fake and just a way to hook you.
8. We will avoid beach dates, boat dates, or any date where you will wear less clothing or have to change clothes at all.
9. We will not meet “friends” of his you don’t know well except in public places. We know this is drastic, but it is helpful. Even better is that for the first few months of dating, we will not meet his “friends” at all. (They can be rapists). If “friends” suddenly show up someplace, you will go home at once.
10. Other. For example, you may want to limit dating, at first, to daytime only and not while you are pre-menstrual.
When presented with these conditions, if your date says he’s no longer interested in going out, that is a good thing. You did not waste time with him, and you may have avoided a rape.
If the research checks out and he agrees to your conditions for dating, and everything also feels safe and healthy, then you can begin phone dating.
The rebound, a hazard. This common dating trap occurs when you are feeling sad or lonely. As a result, you agree to go out with someone who does not meet your standards, or you agree to do something on a date that you would not ordinarily do.
This trap causes a lot of rapes and other problems. Don’t lower or compromise your standards, ever.
C. WHAT TO DO DURING YOUR DATES
A. THE FIRST DATE. This is a phone date. This means you set up a time when the two of you will spend an hour or even two hours talking on the phone. This is much safer for women than starting off dating in person.
On this date, each will share his or her list with the other person.
When you hear his list, read it carefully and think about whether this person is compatible with you. It is critical that the person shares your values. If needed, ask for clarifications and question anything that does not make sense. For example, if a man says he is a Christian, do not assume you know what he means. He needs to elaborate.
Another example is that if a man says he is interested in children, ask how many, will he help take care of the children, how will they be educated and what is his style of raising children?
Pay attention during this time! For example, do not drive the car, watch TV, read email, or shop at the same time as you are phone dating. You are getting valuable information about a potential partner.
Also, listen to see if he seems sincere and committed to his values. Some people are much more committed to their values than others.
Very important - when the phone date is over with, go online and check out what he has told you for lies or exaggerations. Think about his list and yours in order to determine whether to continue dating him.
Choosing your past. When dating, a pitfall is choosing your past. Here is how it works.
If a person seems to be just like you right from the start, beware. Also, if a person seems a little unusual, do not immediately dismiss him.
The reason is that when a person is just like you, he often represents your past - that which you know. Your future, however, is unknown to you and therefore unfamiliar. Therefore, if a man represents your future, he may seem a little unusual at first.
The way to handle this trap is as follows. Provided that you feel safe, give a somewhat unusual man or woman a second and maybe a third date. Try to be open-minded and see if you are liking him or her more.
B. THE SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH DATES, AT LEAST
This is the time to continue to discuss your lists. You are deciding whether to get serious with this person. Do not be distracted by idle conversation!
Most people have some differences in their lists, and these need to be discussed. Some differences will be found to be less important or negotiable. Others will be found to be very important, and not negotiable.
For example, if you follow the development program, this is a basic value. You do not want to be with someone who thinks it is foolish or dangerous or just strange or “not for me”.
Please pay attention to this. We have lots of experience with this problem. It wrecks lots of relationships.
If you love the development program, on the first date give your date this website and perhaps a few articles to read. Some people will like it and others will not.
C. OTHER PHONE DATES
Continue the above process on subsequent dates. We suggest that women do not give out a lot of information about themselves. It is just too easy for predators to use it against you later.
D. GOING OUT TOGETHER
If the man passes your tests and you both are still interested in each other, and you have phone dated for at least four months, then you should be ready to meet in person for a date.
If not, continue phone dating longer. Here are some rules and suggestions:
A. Ideally, do all your dating during the day – not in the evening. The reason is that you are more tired at night, and less sharp, and this is much less safe. Always be home by 10 PM, and preferably earlier.
B. Begin by meeting him briefly in public places such as a coffee house. Do this for at least three or four dates.
Go there yourself and leave yourself. Do not get into the man’s car or go anywhere with him. This will reduce the possibility of a date rape and is very wise advice. Continue to check out what he tells you about himself to see if he is lying.
C. If he passes the coffeehouse test, then perhaps you are ready to spend more time with him. However, if you are not comfortable doing so, just continue meeting in public places. If you continue to not feel safe and happy with our date, it is best to start over with someone else.
- Decide you will leave immediately if you sense something is wrong or suddenly you don’t trust your date. For example, your date may say something that “rubs you the wrong way” and makes you realize this is not the person for you.
If you feel at all scared or uncomfortable, ideally leave at once. Many dates are set-ups for rape.
Beware, listen to your gut, and don’t hang around if you sense a problem. Many women are very sorry they gave a date the benefit of the doubt. Better to leave at once. If you are mistaken and he can explain what he said or did over the phone later, then you can meet him again, but you did the safe thing to leave.
- Listen to parents, friends and others who love you. For example, ASK your mother, father, priest or rabbi if they like the one you are dating. If they say not, ask why and listen. Find out why he or she thinks you are not compatible with your date.
Really listen. Do not “blow them off” as being old-fashioned or prejudiced in some way. Really listen hard!
- Ask your parents, pastors, or wise, older friends to take an interest in your dates. Perhaps ask if you and your date can meet them for dinner together and just talk. In other words, don’t go it alone if you have a wise friend or parent who can help you evaluate a potential partner.
This can also help avoid several common problems with dating:
1. If you have hidden resentments against your parents, then many young people seek out dates that seem to be the opposite of their parents. This is always a trap. Try to let go of resentment or hated for your parents, even if they are or were very hurtful to you. To help, read the articles on this website entitled Forgiving and Forgiving Parents. Life always gets much better when you forgive your parents, in particular, and perhaps others who you feel have hurt you. However, if you have very toxic parents, they are probably not the people to consult about your relationship.
2. Projection. This is a psychological phenomenon in which your mind projects or puts a quality onto your date that is not really there. As a result, you overlook or do not see the truth about the person.
For example, your date may remind you of your older brother who is a wonderful person. It could be his hair, his deodorant, his build or something else that makes you think this way. So you project this onto your date.
The problem is that your date is not your lovely older brother, and could be harmful to you. So if you notice yourself identifying your date with someone else, stop yourself and remember the truth.
- Think things through carefully, and do not act emotionally. This is sometimes hard if you feel “in love”, but it really pays off.
- Get counseling, if needed. The trouble with this is finding a good counselor. Use your judgment and be careful, because many counselors are liberals who advocate lots of sex, homosexuality, and other ideas that don’t work well.
A Christian counselor is usually best, even if you are not a Christian. They are more grounded, more centered, and have much better values.
TROUBLE ON A DATE
- If he sticks his finger anywhere near your vagina, even on your leg, get up and leave. He is a bad dude and a predator. If you have a gun, now is the time to give a short warning and get ready to use the gun if he does not comply.
Don’t try to remove his hand because he may grab it and squeeze it so hard it hurts, while telling you to sit down and relax or he’ll hurt you worse.
Get away as fast as you can and call for a ride home. Do not be embarrassed if you are in the middle of a movie isle or concert hall and you have to inconvenience dozens of people. That was probably his plan all along so you would just put up with his filth.
He will likely follow you out, so plan on this and ideally stay close to a big man or woman and ask for their help!
If he restrains you, grabs you, squeezes your hand or any other body part, YELL!. Don’t stop yelling until help arrives and you are safely away from him.
If you can reach your cell phone, immediately push the single button you have programmed for the police or 911. If there are people near you, tell them to call the police because you are being held against your will.
DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT THIS! It could save your life. Sadly, this problem occurs very often, even if you have checked out your date carefully.
- Other violations of the rules of no-touch, no-talk dating. A woman must be prepared to leave at once if her date violates any of the rules that he has agreed to before the date. Don’t make exceptions!
- We suggest that all women consider carrying a small handgun on dates. More and more women are doing this. Women are the largest group of new gun owners in America.
Make sure the laws of your nation and state or locality allow concealed carry of weapons. If they do not, work to change the law.
Never vote for “gun control” because it is terrible for women. The right to own and use guns is a women’s right.
The gun can be a short-barreled, lightweight weapon, but it must have more than one bullet.
Practice. You must be prepared to use your gun if a problem arises. Practice what to do with a friend, preferably a big, strong male friend, at home before going out. However, you can practice with a female friend if that is all that is available.
Where to keep a gun. Do not just throw the gun in with your makeup or cell phone. You do not want to have to fumble around for it if you need it. The gun should be in a holster where you can reach it easily. It can be in a fanny pack, however. Just make sure you can reach it quickly and easily.
Many professionals will put an arm around you to feel for a gun. This is one reason to insist upon no-touch dating.
If anyone puts a hand anywhere near your gun, you are often justified in using it because most likely he is trying to take it away.
Before you go on a date, turn the safety off on the gun so it is ready to use.
If you are right-handed, carry the gun nearer the right side of your body. Insist that your date walk on your left side. That way, if he grabs you, he will likely grab your left arm and you can reach for the gun. Do the opposite if you are left-handed.
Never tell your date you are carrying a weapon. He’s liable to take it away.
If your date asks what the pouch is that you are carrying, make up an answer. If he is too curious, leave at once. Predators and rapists today look for guns on women.
When to use a gun. A rapist often pulls his jacket aside and shows you he is carrying a knife or a gun. He may whisper, “Just sit there” (in a theatre or even in a crowded shopping mall). He may say, “Just keep walking with me” or “Get in the car”. This is the time to use your weapon right away, before he uses his. You have just been mortally threatened. Do not hesitate.
Other threats. If a man just puts his hand on your thigh or crotch, usually, you give the man one short, stern, clear warning to stop, and then use the weapon. If he puts his hand over your mouth so you can’t yell, use the gun.
When you pull out the gun, keep it away from him and aim and shoot quickly before he can stop you.
At close range, never just show the gun without shooting. He will tend to grab it. The only time you can just show the gun is if the attacker is more than about 20 feet away and can’t grab or kick it out of your hand.
Always assume he knows much more about weapons than you do because it is often true. Most rapes are by professionals.
Also, many professional rapists do not work alone. This is why it is always best to leave at once if you sense trouble.
When you shoot, aim for the chest and fire one shot. If he does not collapse, he may be wearing body armor. Then you have to aim for the head.
Empty the entire clip into him. One or two bullets can miss. If you suspect that a date is wearing body armor, leave at once. It is not normal. Sometimes you can smell it on a person.
Never just aim to wound him in the foot or elsewhere. Anyone who tries to restrain you means business, so you must respond in full. In most nations, you will not be put in jail if you kill in self defense.
Most important – do not take chances just because you have a gun. This is a common mistake.
In other words, do not think that you can go to parties or on a date on his boat because you are carrying a weapon. Guns are of limited usefulness and certainly not enough to keep one safe. Observe all the safety rules for dating in this article.
Courting is a tried and true method of finding a marriage partner. It is not the same as just dating. Compared with just dating, courting is:
1. More formal (see the courting contract below).
2. Has a specific goal.
3. Should not involve having sex, at least definitely not in its early stages.
STEPS IN COURTING
1. Trade basic information with the other person. This is done using the list. See the section below about the list.
2. Talk about your lists.
3. Get together and spend time together in a number of settings to get to know the person well.
4. Test the other person in various ways in real-world settings to really see if the person believes and acts as they claim.
5. If all goes well, go steady with the person. This is explained below.
6. If all goes well, get engaged. The rules for this are also explained below.
7. If all goes well, get married.
Another article discusses these steps in a slightly different way. For details, read Stages Of A Relationship.
THE LIST (VERY IMPORTANT!)
Anyone interested in marriage or a committed relationship should make a list of what you are looking for. Below is the outline for the list. It may seem very long and detailed, but there is a good reason for it. For example, it intentionally forces you to think about your mental and spiritual life, which many people ignore when they are courting.
The list is similar to the questionnaire people fill out with online and other dating services. It is designed to quickly show if you and another person are at least superficially compatible. It will save a lot of time when courting, and it will prevent a lot of disappointment and heartbreak later on:
PART I - Physical Life
1. Physical survival desires. This includes such things as money, houses, cars, having children, and safety issues. For example, read Survival.
2. Physical sexual desires. This includes how often, what kind and how you like sex. If you are not sure, that is okay, but we strongly suggest only have Down Sex, not regular sex. This is much gentler, more intimate and much healthier. It also gives the woman much more control. The man must agree to it because it is more difficult for men. Share the article about Down Sex with your date.
3. Physical power and control desires. This has to do with who will make final decisions if you disagree, and the Sexual Order.
4. Physical social desires. This has to do with interactions with family, relatives, friends, and co-workers. It also has to do with your ideas about travel, outings and similar social activities.
5. Physical work and creativity desires. This has to do with your plans or desires for jobs, careers, hobbies such as music or dance, and other creative activities.
6. Physical learning and wisdom desires. This includes your desires for higher education, reading, studying, and learning things.
7. Physical and community spiritual desires. This includes your desires regarding joining and attending a church or other spiritual or religious groups, practices or other activities.
PART II – Mental or Brain Life
8. Mental life and death desires. This includes basic principles you desire to live by. It should include the 10 Commandments of Moses, the Golden Rule, and other values you hold dear and intend to adhere to.
9. Mental emotional desires. This includes your ideas about attitudes such as helping others and radiating love into this world.
10. Mental power and control desires. This involves your views about the ego, self-discipline and other mental control issues.
11. Mental social desires. This is similar to #4 above and includes your desires regarding involvement with family, friends and associates.
12. Mental teamwork and creativity desires. This has to do with your views about cooperating with others in organizations such as political party affiliation, community service and other groups.
13. Mental knowledge and wisdom desires. This is similar to #6 above, but has to do with your desires about learning in a deeper way or more concentrated area such as history or geography.
14. Mental spiritual desires. This is a culmination of all that has gone before on the list. This may seem vague, but it is important to summarize what you have said earlier, if you can do this. It helps focus the list on the most important aspects for you.
PART III –Spiritual/Development
15. Spiritual life and death desires. What is most important to you as a spiritual or a developing being? One answer, I hope, is that you intend to continue following a complete development program to promote rapid development, healing and long life.
16. Spiritual emotional desires. This is about how you wish to give from fullness and serve God, others or serve the planet.
17. Spiritual power and control desires. This is about tuning into guidance in order to be of the greatest service. There are a number of ways to do this.
18. Spiritual social desires. This is about connecting with your “spiritual family” and letting go of others who are not on your level or wavelength.
19. Spiritual work and creativity desires. This is about spiritual work and creative activities that you want to do or in which you wish to participate.
20. Spiritual knowledge and wisdom desires. This involves the kind of knowledge and wisdom that you desire to acquire during your life.
21. Spiritual culmination desires. This is about your overall service to the planet and to humanity. It can also be about your desire to develop yourself to be a mighty instrument of God.
THE COURTING CONTRACT
This is an agreement on the rules for courting. It should be written down, or at least clearly stated and understood and agreed upon by both people.
1. Courting is goal-oriented toward marriage and nothing else. We agree to tell the other person if we are no longer interested in a possible marriage. If one or both are going out together due to boredom, loneliness or other motives, this is not a courtship.
2. A courtship will go through stages. At first, the two people may go out with others. At some point, they will then decide to go steady and will stop going out with others. Later, if all goes well, they will become engaged. Finally, if all continues well, it will end in marriage.
3. A courtship is always about honoring another person. Anything less is not a courtship. If either participant detects anything less than honoring, he or she must end the courtship.
4. Sex. Preferably, there will be no sexual intercourse until we are married. This is explained below.
5. Children. If sex occurs, we agree not to produce a child during the courtship. If we do, it will be the woman’ responsibility to either have the child, perhaps give the child up for adoption, or have an abortion.
The man will not be responsible financially or otherwise. We know this is rough on the woman, but ultimately it is her body and it must be her decision how to handle this occurrence.
6. Contact with family and friends. We agree to have little contact with each other’s families and friends, at least during the early part of courtship. This is because family and friends can influence our decisions too easily, and this is not helpful, especially early in courtship.
7. Confidentiality. We agree to keep our relationship essentially private and not spread it around town or spend hours discussing it with our friends. Some sharing with family and friends is inevitable, but we agree to no gossip.
8. Time limits. Ideally, courtships should not be too short or too long. Either extreme usually means there are problems. The courtship should last between 6 months and 2-3 years.
A short courtship means you will not have a chance to really get to know the other person. This is always risky, although this might seem overly cautious.
A very long courtship means that one or both of the partners is not interested in marriage for some reason. That reason should be sought out and resolved. Either there is a problem that has not been discussed, or the entire courtship is phony or a lie.
9. Integrity Agreement. If a dispute arises between us due to accident, injury, pregnancy, acquiring diseases or other, and we cannot resolve it ourselves, we agree not to consult attorneys due to cost and complications.
Instead, We agree to first consult a mediator whom we both agree upon. If voluntary mediation is not successful, we agree to binding arbitration. This is to prevent legal costs and complications that often arise today.
10. Complete agreement. This is the entirety of our agreement. That is, there are no other hidden agreements or agendas.
11. Amendments. We may amend or change this agreement at any time. Both of us must agree to the changes.
RULES FOR STEADIES
1. No dating other people.
2. No sex with others.
3. No close friendships with members of the opposite sex unless you bring in your steady so that both of you always meet together with the friend.
4. No weekend getaways or “flings” with friends of the same sex or opposite sex.
RULES FOR THOSE WHO ARE ENGAGED
1. Wear an engagement ring.
2. Decide this is your husband or wife. If you cannot do this, there is something wrong and the engagement should end.
3. All the rules for steadies.
KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL COURTING
- Participate in many activities and situations together. This is to get to know the other person as well as possible.
- Stay detached emotionally. Try not to get too involved with the other person.
- Note how you feel around the other person. This is very important and often overlooked. You should feel very safe, happy and feel loved around the other person. You should not feel unsafe, worried, judged, sad, depressed, lonely, or other negative feeling.
Some ups and downs are normal. However, in most cases, these feelings will either get better with time, or get worse with time. Try to feel which is occurring in your situation. If the feelings are not right, it is a sign that the courtship is not working out, no matter what else is occurring in the relationship.
- Note how the other person feels around you. He or she should be upbeat and happy. If this is not the case, something may be wrong.
Ask each other loads of questions about everything. This is not being nosy. It is needed with courting. If the other person does not want to tell you where he or she was last evening when you called, it is definitely a red flag, no matter what else he or she says or does.
- Do not avoid talking about difficult issues such as a rape, an illness, a family problem, money problems, and others. Some people think they will just wait until they are married to tell the other person. This is not fair to the other person and often leads to problems in a marriage.
- Expect some differences of opinion and other problems to surface. Courting is the time to work these out and resolve them, not after one is married.
- Have Absolutes and Negotiables. Absolutes are items you insist upon and will not change. They might include your religion, for example. Negotiables are feelings, ideas or lifestyle factors that are not as important to you and can be adjusted to blend with your prospective marriage partner.
- Note personal and body honoring. Look for dishonoring language, looks, gestures or actions. Often these are present, but overlooked.
- Note professional honoring. Your prospective partner should honor your work or career, as well.
- For women – look for a mentally and emotionally strong, honest and direct man. This is difficult for many women. They may not realize it, but many women are looking for a sugar daddy.
This is a man who will go along with what she wants, and perhaps a man who is not as smart as she is. In truth, ladies, you are much safer with a strong man who loves you dearly and will not let you get away with anything!
Also, look for a man of high integrity and a protector of you, including protecting you from his own lower impulses. For details, read Integrity.
- For men – Look for an emotionally strong and intact woman. She should be able to speak up if she is unhappy in any way. Look for a person who is direct and of high integrity.
However, also look for a blender. This is important for a woman, also, but most important for a man. A blender means someone who wants to join with you deeply on at least several levels – physical, emotional, sexual, social, creative, intellectual and spiritual or religious.
A husband or wife need not be of the same mind as you on all levels, but you should agree and want to be together on many of them.
A blender is a “we” person. This means she thinks and says - we do things, we think this or that, we go places, etc. The emphasis is on we, not on the activities and not on me or I.
A blender also means someone who is willing to make some major changes in her life, if needed, in order to blend her life with yours. This has to do with The Sexual Order, a somewhat controversial topic but an important one for any marriage.
Finding a blender can be a tall order because the women’s liberation movement has taught modern women that they need not blend with a man for marriage or for anything else. In part for this reason, many women are afraid to blend with a man, or secretly hate men and don’t want to blend.
Yet blending is a secret to a good marriage and it is natural for women to blend with a good man. Marriages do not tend to work as well when the man blends with the woman.
- Finally, try to catch the other person in lies. This sounds very negative, but is very important. The life of the other person should be an open book and everything should “add up”. If it does not, ask more questions and listen carefully to the answers.
- Some kissing and hugging are fine. The other person should always treat your body gently, respectfully and lovingly.
Avoid sex during courtship. The reasons are:
1. Sex always skews your judgment. Down sex is better, however, because it is less passionate.
2. Having sex tends to move things along too fast.
3. Pregnancy among daters is common, and alters the relationship a lot.
4. Physical damage such as acquiring diseases complicates the courting.
5. Emotional damage such as embarrassment or other feelings complicates the courting.
6. Mental damage such as feeling used and perhaps feeling abused complicates the courting.
7. Spiritual damage means mixing and contaminating your pure energy with that of another person who is not your spouse. This may sound odd, but it occurs in all cases of having sex with anyone. It complicates the courting, sometimes deeply.
If you decide to have sex, at least wait until you are going steady or engaged. Some people say it is good to have down sex before marriage. It is a way to get to know someone more deeply – their body and their odor, for example. We are not sure about this.
- Keep family and friends out of the relationship, for the most part. They tend to have too much influence in many cases.
- Very important areas to note are beliefs and behavior about money, diet, family, life goals, and general behavior.
- Look for any red flags or any kinds. This may sound obvious, but people in love often overlook problems that were there all the time.
OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FOR WHEN DATING
1. Someone who is grounded, centered, and is his or her own person.
Red flags: One who is often distracted, thinks illogically, or is enslaved to others in some way.
2. Someone who wants an intimate relationship with you as your wife or husband, and whom you want to live with as husband or wife.
Red flag: Looks at other people, flirts with others, goes out with others, secretive about their private life, or wants their own friends of the opposite sex.
3. Someone who honors and respects you, and whom you respect and honor.
Red flags. Does not keep appointments, handles or speaks to you roughly or harshly, does not apologize quickly when he or she makes errors, or talks badly about you to others.
4. Someone who has and wants a lifestyle very similar to yours.
Red flags. Bad habits such as the use of alcohol, marijuana, cigarette smoking, too much television, staying up late at night, or others. Ideally, you want someone who thinks exactly like you, or very close to exactly as you do.
5. Someone who has similar goals to you.
Red flags. Someone who seems to be moving in a different direction from you, no matter what they say they want.
6. Someone who shares your beliefs and ideas.
Red flags. Makes comments that indicate that he or she has beliefs different from yours. This can be subtle. A person may say he or she agrees with you so that you will marry him or her, but over time, their real beliefs will come out. This is an important reason for having a courtship period of at least six months and ideally longer.
7. Someone who shares your spiritual values.
Red flags. Makes comments or acts in ways that indicate the person does not share your values.
Race. In addition, statistics indicate that marriages between people of the same race work out better. This is not prejudice. It is just statistical fact.
Other factors seem to matter less, such as age differences, how much money a person has, or their family background.
GROUP ACTIVITIES INSTEAD OF ONE-ON-ONE DATING
Often, instead of one-on-one dating, a safer option for young women in high school, college and beyond is to have a group of friends with whom you socialize. This can be a church group, a community group, or a group formed around something else.
Advantages of groups of friends are:
1. More choices. Women and men can consider a number of potential partners easily, without having to date them all.
2. Communication. Communication among the men and the women can give all of them a better idea of who is interested in whom, and perhaps who might make the best partner.
3. Taking the lead. If a girl or women is interested in a particular boy or man, it is easier to be assertive within a group. In other words, she can spread the word that she is interested, and it will encourage him to reciprocate.
4. Positive peer pressure. Being in a group often puts pressure on the boys and the girls to behave well. If they do not, word of it spreads quickly and they may be forced out of the group.
5. Common interests. Often, all members of the group share common interests, such as their religious orientation, an interest such as hiking or bicycling, or something else. This is generally a good way to meet a suitable mate.
6. Supervision. In some situation, such as church or synagogue youth groups, there are one or more adult leaders or supervisors who can act as role models, instructors, monitors and police, if needed.
Possible problems with groups to watch out for are:
1. Crowd psychology, also called mob psychology. Studies show that people in a group often do things that they would not do if they were by themselves. For example, by herself, a high school girl might not agree to go camping overnight with a boy.
However, if 5 or 10 other girls decide to do it, the hesitant one may decide that it must be okay, even though it is really not okay. This is a common and potentially serious problem with groups.
2. Peer pressure. This is different from crowd psychology. Peer pressure is when one or more members of a group attempt to persuade another member to go along with their ideas or thinking. They may put a lot of pressure on the target person to change his or her ways and conform to the ideas and activities of the group.
To use the example from the section above, if one girl doesn’t want to go camping overnight with boys, other girls and boys in the group may put a lot of pressure on the hesitant one to do as they want her to do.
3. Bad supervision or leadership. The leadership of some groups, even church groups, may not be adequate or even healthy. Parents can easily be deceived about this. For example, if a girl tells her mother that the leader allowed something to happen that should not have occurred, the parents must listen.
4. Bullying, harassment, hazing or other negative behavior. Occasionally, groups can attack a person whom they perceive as different, or whom they perceive as more pure than they. This can be nasty and even dangerous. One should leave at once if this ever begins.
5. Personality conflicts. At times, two or more in a group may not get along.
This is when two couples go out together. It is safer than one-on-one dating provided that:
1. The two couples always stay together.
2. You must know the other couple. Going out with a couple you do not know and a date you don’t know well is as dangerous or more dangerous than going out with one person.
DOWN SEX VERSUS REGULAR SEX
Regular sex always depletes the body a little bit, even if you don’t feel it. Here are comments about how down sex fits into dating:
- If a person is smart, you will discuss sex early in a new relationship and insist that the person you are looking for wants down sex, not regular sex. This is extremely important for development.
- We do not advocate any sex on a date. It violates the commandment against adultery in the Bible. Like all sex with someone you don’t know well, it is also very dangerous for women due to the possibility of rape and pregnancy. Also, it will spread disease.
- Down hugging can be fun and we do recommend it on dates.
It is fun and healing, and you can get close enough to another person to smell them, unless the other person is using a lot of deodorant, which we would suggest against. For details, see the section above, The Odor Method Of Dating.
FEELING SAFE, A CRITICAL ISSUE FOR WOMEN AND MEN
Women and men must feel very safe physically and emotionally with their spouse-to-be. This is not the same as the usual excitement and uncertainty of any new relationship.
However, if you do not feel quite safe, do not get married. Wait, at the very least, and see if the situation changes. There are several reasons for this:
1. Feeling unsafe often tells you that you are not ready, the other person is not ready, or the other person is not the one.
2. Feeling unsafe is not healthy in any way. Women and men need to feel totally secure that their partner is theirs, (and not shared with old girlfriends or male friends, or family of origin, or work, or school, or beer parties, or anything else.)
3. Women, especially, are more vulnerable in marriages to rape, and physical and emotional abuse.
4. You need to feel that the other person really wants to be with, appreciates and loves you for who you are. You need to feel that the other is not going to put you second to the family of origin, friends, work or anything else.
MOTIVES FOR DATING 1-7
Motives for dating can be arranged according to the 7 system:
1. A desire for physical contact or closeness. This could be a desire for a hug or kiss, or to hold someone’s hand, or even just to walk and talk together.
2. A desire for emotional closeness or sexual activity.
3. A desire for ego satisfaction or power or control.
4. A desire for a larger social life, such as going to a dance with a partner.
5. A desire to find a work partner or team mate. This occurs often if one dates people at one’s place of work.
6. A desire for an intellectual companion – a meeting of the minds.
7. A desire for a spiritual companion, and not necessarily a husband or wife. One might want to spend time with another to aid development, for example, or to help one mature.
Looking for a marriage partner is somewhat separate from all of these, although any of these can lead to a courtship.
PROBLEMS WITH CASUAL DATING
Casual dating is extremely dangerous for women. Hazards always include rape, seduction, pregnancy, other violence, and acquiring sexually-transmitted diseases. You don’t have to have sex to get herpes or a dozen other diseases that will be with you for life. He just has to give you a kiss or stick his finger in your vagina “for fun”.
Remember, most people are infected with sexually-transmitted diseases and you are better off not touching them at all!
Casual dating is also a waste of time, and usually bad for your health. This is because it often occurs at night when you are better off sleeping. Also, on dates you may not be able to control what you eat, or worse, you will be induced to drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, and engage in other unhealthy behaviors.
Other hazards are riding in cars with inexperienced or bad drivers, or worse - with intoxicated drivers late at night.
A SAD TEENAGE DATING STORY
The additional dating rules below were written by a sad girl who went on a date, and was given a drug in her drink. She was tied to a bed, and that is all she remembers. When she came back to consciousness, it was all over. Her head hurt, as did her back.
Her beautiful body was sprawled on a bed in someone’s apartment and she hardly knew where she was. She staggered to her feet and her belly hurt badly. She was bleeding a little, but she was numb so she didn’t feel it.
She heard several boys in the next room giggling about “how great she was”. What were they talking about, she wondered. She still can’t think well, many years later. Rape can ruin your life.
For this reason, we do not recommend that young women date one-on-one in high school or even college. Most are too young to be discerning about finding a mate, and dating just to fool around and have fun is fraught with danger.
However, if you insist on dating in high school or college, here are some additional rules to avoid a rape:
RULE 1. Bring dad or another male chaperone along on your date. This may sound like a complete kill-joy, but it is not. Even if it is, it is best. If you cannot get your father to chaperone you, find another male adult, whom you absolutely trust to go with you and your date.
Do not be embarrassed about this one bit! Another idea is to bring along your big brother who really loves you and would never let anyone hurt you. Bringing along your dog is better than nothing, but not very good. It is too easy for someone to just lock up the dog somewhere.
RULE 2. Never go on a date alone in high school, particularly. That sounds restrictive, but it is a good rule. Instead, go out with your family or perhaps with a group.
RULE 3. Do not hang out with a group of boys. This is not safe, even if a “nice” boy you know says, “We are all going out for ice cream or a bike ride. Would you like to come along?”
This can be difficult, as all teenage girls like to be popular. It is a trap in all cases, however, and can be a setup for a gang rape.
A gang rape can start out benign. The boys are tickling you a little, and everyone is having a good time, including you. Suddenly, a boy decides to go a little further. He unbuttons your blouse or unzips your pants.
Soon you are naked and one of them jumps on top of you. They take turns raping you. What started out as fun is now a horror. You can’t think straight and you are never the same ever again.
RULE 4. Especially keep boys out of your bedroom, and never go into their bedroom or even to their houses. Be careful, as many boys will lie to you that their parents are at home, or that their brothers and sisters will be there, and so on.
If you have a teenage brother that brings his friends over to your house, keep your body well covered up and preferably stay far away. This can be another setup for rape.
Even playing board games or shooting hoops with your brother and his friend is not good without a parent present. The friend may dare you to “show a little skin” if you lose the game. Joking can easily turn nasty if you don’t agree to it.
RULE 5. Date only serious boys. One of the biggest traps for girls is dating just for fun. Many girls want to date the “fun guys”, the “football players”, the “soccer jocks”, or even the most intellectual guy in the school or group – just for fun.
It is very tempting because if a popular guy asks you out, it is “an honor”. Saying no is hard and may diminish your popularity at school or with friends. They will tell you that you are crazy not to go out with the best-looking boy in the school, or the smartest guy, or the richest boy who has his own boat or sports car.
Say no, please, unless you are thinking of marrying him some day! If you are thinking of marrying him, then do phone dating for a while or perhaps invite him along with your family to go on a picnic or to a movie. If he says no, then he does not truly like you and is just in it for the sex – so stay far away.
This type of boy or man often has an arrogant attitude. He thinks he is such a wonderful guy, and you are so honored to go out with him, that you should “put out” (have sex) as a result. If you do not do so, he may force it and his buddies will defend him if someone questions him about what happened.
What will you miss by dating this way? Not that much. You may miss some overnight camping trips, and some parties and concerts, perhaps, although even those might be possible to attend if you bring a parent. Most important, you will avoid a rape, in most cases. Please think about it.